strader pics

the seizure.

2010-03-05T19:54:00.000-08:00

i have written before about caleb's first 2 years of life. he experienced seizures starting at 10 days old, along with other physical delays that caused him to need to wear orthopedic braces, use a walker, work with physical therapists and didn't take his first unassisted steps until the day after he turned 2.

but there was one day that was more difficult for me than the entire two years combined. i've had a couple of friends ask me about what happened when caleb had a 35 minute seizure at 18 months old and for some reason i've never really wanted to write about it. mostly because when i write, i re-live the experience.

but i've been thinking about it lately and feel like i'm ready. and i think it's important not only for me, but for caleb to read about one day.

so, here it is.

caleb, 18 mos

january 6, 2007

caleb had been getting over a cold for the past couple of days, and was seeming to feel better. he'd had a low-grade fever, but no longer needed tylenol. after dinner, i had gone to exercise at the gym, while ben played with caleb and got him ready for bed .

when i got home, i walked through the door and things were quiet. i remember what i was wearing, a pink hoodie, a white tank top underneath, black yoga pants.

the front room was messy, and there were DVD's all over the floor. at 18 months old, one of caleb's favorite things to do was open up the cupboard on our entertainment center and pull all of the DVD's out. i used to have to clean them up 4 or 5 times a day.

i figured ben was giving caleb his bath, so i walked down the hallway to the bathroom, but they weren't in there. the light in our bedroom was on.

as i walked in the bedroom, it took a minute to realize what was happening. ben was on his cell phone, and caleb was laying on our bed, on his side. i remember what he was wearing. a navy blue & white striped pajama shirt from old navy, and navy blue sweat pants.

i stared at him. looked at ben. and still couldn't understand.

caleb's eyes were half-open, and moving back and forth from side to side, but not focusing on anything. his knees were pulled up almost to his chest, his feet were together side by side, and his legs were moving up and down in a repetitive motion. his arms were bent, his little hands clenched in fists. his arms also moved in a repetitive motion.

out of his mouth came the strangest sound. it was like a grunt, and then a gasp for breath. over and over and over again.

"he's having a seizure," ben said. "and he's not coming out of it. i have 911 on the phone and they're sending an ambulance right now."

i completely lost my mind. i knelt down on the bed and started crying and pleading with caleb.

"caleb, it's mama. please look at me. caleb, please. please."

his eyes would not focus on mine, but just remained rotating from side to side.

i became hysterical and started pacing. sobbing as i went up and down the hallway. i would stop in the family room, drop to my knees and start to pray to God. then in mid-prayer, i would get up and go back to the bedroom and drop to my knees to beg caleb again. when he wouldn't respond i would get up and walk down the hallway to pray.

ben stayed on the phone with 911, explaining what caleb was doing now, that he hadn't changed.

i was able to ask ben what happened, how this started.

{he explained that he and caleb had been playing in the family room, and caleb was pulling the DVD's out of the cupboard when he closed the door, and pinched his own finger.

ben had been sitting just a foot or so away from him, and when caleb pinched his finger, he let out a howl. ben looked over and reached out to comfort him. but as caleb yelled out, he didn't take a breath. his eyes rolled up in his head, and as his body collapsed, ben caught him. ben tried to breathe into caleb's mouth to get him to take a breath, but he still didn't. instead, the seizure began.}

i called carrie & troy, our family who lived just minutes from us.

troy picked up the phone.

i tried to tell him through my sobs what was happening. he couldn't understand me until i was finally able to choke out in one breath, "CALEB IS HAVING A SEIZURE AND WE CAN'T GET HIM TO STOP. PLEASE COME OVER NOW."

"i'll be right there," was his reply.

at this point, i didn't know that carrie wasn't home. i didn't know that troy's two kids were in the middle of taking a bath, that troy had to call his next door neighbor to ask for help so that he could help us. i am so thankful for his quick reaction, and for the help of his neighbor amanda.

all i knew was that before the ambulance could even arrive, troy came to the front door. i was a complete mess and unable to pull together a coherent sentence, so i just pointed to the back bedroom where ben was still with caleb. troy ran.

they administered a priesthood blessing, and then troy came back out to the front room with me to wait for the ambulance. he was crying, and gave me a hug to tell me it was going to be okay.

by now caleb had been seizing for about 15 minutes.

an average seizure lasts anywhere from 3-7 minutes. any longer and there is an enormous increase in the risk of brain damage and possibly death. (i didn't know this information at the time that this was happening, and i'm grateful i didn't.)

the ambulance came, sirens blaring and lights flashing. the paramedics lifted caleb and took him to the back of the truck. ben sat in the back with caleb, i was in the front. (this was a good decision based on the state i was in. ben was able to remain calm even though he was extremely worried.) troy followed behind the ambulance in his car.

once caleb was in the ambulance, the paramedics gave him some medicine that stopped his seizure. ben told me he had stopped, and i began to calm down. however, as his arm was pricked to start an IV, his body started back up, and the seizure continued.

the ride to the hospital was horrible. it was extremely icy that night and we had to drive slowly. i sobbed my eyes out and prayed to God the entire time to heal his little body and help him to come out of this and still be my caleb.

by the time we made it to the ER, and he was rushed in, the seizure was going on 31 minutes. there was now a breathing tube in his mouth, IV in his arm and he was hooked up to several machines. there was a team of nurses and doctors surrounding him. they administered more medicine to him.

ben and i stood to the side, with our arms around each other.

about 5 minutes later, the seizure finally stopped. caleb's body lay still.

at this point several family members had been contacted and were on their way down. troy was there, and carrie was on her way.

we were told by the doctor that we wouldn't know how he would be affected until he woke up and the medicine had worn off. we were also told that he would be exhausted and would probably sleep for a while.

we waited.

family came in and we hugged and cried and they waited with us. more time passed, and finally caleb woke up. he was completely irrational and was thrashing around, and crying. he tried to pull out his IV, so the nurse wrapped it up with medical tape.

he was moved to his own room, and only 2 adults were allowed in at a time. we appreciated all of the support of our family, but also knew that there wasn't much they could do at this point. so eventually they left, except my mom. i was extremely grateful she had stayed, and for all of the help she provided.

caleb drank a little and we tried to get him to eat some crackers, but he wouldn't. he finally went back to sleep. ben and i tried to share the small hospital bed and slept in the room together. the night was long and hard, with him waking up frequently upset and unable to be comforted.

we spent the next day in the hospital, while tests were run and we looked for improvement from caleb. he started to become more like himself, saying words and asking for us to hold him. but he wasn't completely back to normal. he was aggressive and still irrational. he did a lot of thrashing around and seemed like he was constantly dizzy.

we were told that this could also be a side-effect from the anti-seizure medicine he had been given, but that the doctors felt it was best for him to stay on the medicine until he was able to have an EEG test done in a week.

the following morning, on a monday, he was released from the hospital and we were told to watch him carefully. ben had to go to work and i was grateful that my dad was able to be there to take caleb home with me, because i was completely freaked out to bring him home by myself. i couldn't believe that this had come from a pinched finger and was paranoid that if he hurt himself or became too upset, this would happen again. i remember wondering how to be a mother to him, when i knew i couldn't protect him from everything.

it was a hard week.

i was a bundle of nerves and anxiety, not to mention traumatized. i couldn't sleep and was scared to leave him alone, even just in a room by himself. every time i relaxed i would close my eyes and would picture his little body curled up with his arms and legs doing those strange jerking movements.

the medication and its side-effects still affected caleb a lot. he was not the same little guy who was easy and fun to be around. he slept about 18 hours out of the day, but not all at the same time. he would be awake for about 45 minutes, then get really aggressive and irrational and need to take a nap for about an hour. we did this all day long and it was pretty exhausting. he was constantly dizzy, throwing his head back and falling over easily.

at the end of the week we were sent to primary children's hospital for the 3rd EEG of caleb's life. the first two happened when he was under 6 months old and it was difficult then, but this was by far the hardest one.

the technician had to stick electrodes all over caleb's head, and then wrap it tightly with gauze in order to keep the electrodes secure. for the first two EEG's, we were supposed to keep him awake and upset (because that was when he would have seizures, when he was awake as opposed to asleep.) this time we were asked to bring him sleep-deprived and do our best to get him to go to sleep while his head was covered in wires.

not an easy task.

but eventually he fell asleep, and the testing began. when it was over, the neurologist met with us to explain that there was no seizure activity going on in his brain. we were grateful, but worried.

i've written before about feeling frustrated when there is not a clear diagnosis. it's like you exhale a very relieved breath of fresh air that it is not something serious, but then up come the questions. will this happen again? what are the chances? what do we do if it happens again? should we keep him on this medicine?

and what can be so frustrating about no diagnosis is that the decision is usually left up to you. or at least this is what we experienced for the majority of caleb's life. we were told that because they didn't know the source of the seizure, yes it could happen again. they had no idea what the likelihood of that would be. the medicine would protect it from happening again, but there were definite long-term effects from it that were quite severe.

we were also told that we were very lucky that it looked as though no brain damage had been done.

so the decision of what to do was left in our hands.

the fear of caleb having another seizure was definitely there... but the fear of having this terror of an 18 month old continue, as well as the long-term damage that could be done, was greater.

after talking about it, we decided not to fill the prescription and say a lot of prayers that it wouldn't happen again.

as soon as the medicine left his system, caleb returned. he could speak normally, stay awake, and came back to being our calm and easy-going little guy.

our prayers were answered, and he has not had a seizure since that day.

it has taken a looooooong time for me to work through this experience though. i've realized that i am someone who stuffs fears inside and tries really hard to cope with the day-to-day things without ever really dealing with the trauma. but it has leaked out in my parenting. i have had a hard time letting others baby-sit caleb, i over-stress and over-worry. and when it came to parenting him, i constantly felt on edge. up until about a year ago.

it was then that i was able to see reality for what it is now:

caleb is a healthy, happy and smart boy.

i can no longer keep him in the protective bubble that kept him alive for 2 years, and by trying to do it i am holding him back.

i'm grateful for the lesson i have learned as a mother and the blessing i have had to watch the strength and resilience of a boy who has overcome so much.

watch out bottom teeth!

2010-03-03T19:52:00.000-08:00

you've got some neighbors moving in upstairs!

california day #7, also known as a dedicatory post to the ultrasound tech who earned himself a cold fold-out chair for his eternity in the fiery place

2010-03-01T19:50:00.000-08:00

i realize that i'm pretty much all over the place with my postings, but what can i say? i'm a random gal.

i wrote earlier about one story about our trip in december to california, and i figured i'd share another, mainly because i can now find the humor in it.

but at the time it happened? not so much.

it was the day before we were leaving, and what should have been my 3rd day in disneyland. we had also made a little baby-sitting swaparoo deal with carrie & troy:

(a visual for your pleasure. they are even less normal than they look in this picture.)

where one couple would put all of the kids to bed while the other couple was able to go back to the park and actually ride some adult rides. (not that the 20 times on the "bug's life" slower-than-molasses toddler train isn't a blast.)

on the first night, we had watched carrie & troy's kiddos & the 3rd night they were planning on taking care of our hooligans.

but unfortunately, i woke up on disney-day#3 with some pain in my stomach. i got up and got ready anyway, and ate a little breakfast.

big mistake.

as soon as i put something in my stomach it was rejected and i ran for the bathroom. the sharp, upper abdomen pains didn't go away after the food found its way back out of my esophagus. in fact they increased.

i came out of the bathroom, told ben that i wasn't feeling well and he should take the kids without me, and hopefully i would be able to meet up with them later. i was bummed, and hoped it would pass.

but 7 hours later, i was still in a crazy amount of pain and running to the bathroom about every 20-40 minutes. there was nothing i could do once the stabbing pain would start and i had experienced this same illness right before thanksgiving. same pains, in the same place. and they were only getting worse.

so when ben called in the afternoon, i asked him to call our insurance to see if we had out of state coverage. i didn't go to the dr. the first time i had gotten sick in november, but was starting to wonder if these were gallstones or something.

unfortunately the only thing our insurance covered was an out of state ER visit. well i felt that was a bit dramatic, so i decided to just wait it out.

ben and the kids came home that evening, the kids ate dinner and went to bed. i was still sick. and by this point, add a bit teary to the story because it had taken MONTHS to save up for this dang trip and i had missed out on an entire day of fun, not to mention what should have been a date night with ben.

at about 8:30, i couldn't stand it any longer. it wasn't just the pain and the barfing, but also the knowledge that we were leaving first thing in the morning for a 6 hour ride home. so if there was something that i could do to feel better before hopping in that car, i wanted to do it. and take 10 of them.

finally at 9pm, i had had enough. the kids were asleep, we left the adjoining door of our hotel room open for carrie & troy and left for the ER.

i have been a part of many an ER visit and i know that the term "emergency" is used loosely around there.

about 2 hours later, i was finally seen by a doctor who said that i needed to get an ultrasound done to see if there were any gallstones or kidney stones.

and this is where our story begins. (all of that rambling was just backstory info. bet you're wishing i had told you that sooner, huh?)

the ultrasound tech came sauntering up with a wheelchair, looking a lot like this guy:

mustache included.

i got in the wheelchair and we took off! meaning he went fast. a little too fast, because one of the wheels caught mid-spin and the wheelchair lurched forward, almost dumping me out of it.

ultrasound tech dropped the F-bomb and slowed down. at this point i realized that i had more to fear then the stomach pains i had been enduring.

i lay down on the bed, and since i was merely clothed in a hospital gown & my birthday suit, ultrasound tech put a blanket over my legs so i could expose my stomach without exposing the rest of my goods.

as he went to squirt the freezing cold ultrasound jelly on my stomach he looked down and said, and i quote:

"woah! just had a baby, huh?"

ummmm.

huh?

it took me a minute to figure out what he was implying.

i looked around like this:

and then like this:

and when i realized that he was referring to my stretch marks, looked like this:

and this:

{ now here's the deal on stretch marks. i think they are totally lame. not in the fact that when we as women get pregnant, get them, but more in the fact that it seems like there is such a stigma attached to them.

the women who get them (myself included) seem to just want to DIE the minute they see one forming. not all women, i'm generalizing here. we pull out our cocoa butter and oils and lather ourselves up in hopes of stopping the metaphorical tear in our nylons.

and the women who don't get them seem wear it like a badge of honor that their skin is still unscathed and they are just born blessed, lucky and chosen. (again, generalization.)

and some women? they. just. don't. care. and these my friends, are the women to be jealous of.

here is how i feel about stretch marks in general, and mine in particular.

when i was pregnant with caleb, i didn't get one stretch mark until the day he was born. then i think because he hadn't dropped at all and my body just went from:

hey! i'm carrying 17 extra pounds around! no big deal!

to:

holy mother of pearl! there is something inside of me and moving very quickly in the southern direction and i have no control over this! let's stretch out to make room for the party going on!

i remember the utter and sheer disappointment i felt when i came home from the hospital with four small stretch marks on my lower abdomen.

when i was pregnant with leah, i vowed to not have the same thing happen. but right around 8 1/2 mos along, my body disagreed. i ended up with about 6 more stretch marks, all again on my lower abdomen. none of them even reaching my belly button. i realized i was still disappointed about getting them, and decided to change my frame of mind.

so. now how do i feel about them?

well in my quest to figure out why we as women judge each other so harshly, and hold each other up to an insanely high standard...

i own my stretch marks.

i'd like to say i love them, but i haven't quite gotten there yet.

however, i love my children, and they are the cause of the map on my skin and if i had to trade the smoothness of yore for the silvery lines of today i wouldn't.

they signify the journey. so i own them. and quite frankly, if you have them, i think you should too! }

back to the story. there was a purpose for telling you that.

so when ultrasound tech said,

"woah! just had a baby, huh?"

all of that "i own my stretch marks" stuff flew out the window. i became completely and utterly self-conscious.

"well, uh, yeah, uh, a while ago, uh," i stammered.

AND THEN HE SAYS,

"jeez. must have been some baby." emphasis on the some.

HUH?

excuse me?

he did NOT just say that to me!

so i had gone to flustered and self-conscious to ticked off and indignant.

"what is that supposed to mean?" i asked him. with a tone.

even though he was an idiot, he realized his mistake.

"oh, um. nothing. so what's going on with you? why are we doing an ultrasound?" he changed the subject.

"well i've been having some really severe sharp stomach pains and the doctor just wanted to check and make sure i didn't have gallstones or something," i answered, just trying to make it through the rest of the ultrasound without taking the jelly out of his lame hands and squirting it into his eyeballs.

he started laughing.

"what's so funny?" i asked.

"gall stones? doubtful. you're caucasian. my guess is that you ate some spicy mexican food last night and can't handle it." and kept laughing.

that was IT.

"you know, it's really going to SUCK to be YOU if these stomach pains turn out to be pancreatic cancer or something and you just sat here laughing at me in pain," i retorted.

he stopped laughing. cleared his throat. ahem. ahem. aheeeem.

"well, no gall stones," he said quietly.

"fabulous."

my tone was icy.

he wheeled me back at a normal pace in silence.

now i ask you.

what kind of an ultrasound tech asks these sort of questions and makes these sort of comments?

that's right. the kind that earns themselves a cold fold-out chair for their eternity in the fiery place.

mmm-hmm.

{ p.s. no, i did not have pancreatic cancer. the doctor had said that when i got back home i needed to be checked for an ulcer or hernia. no i haven't gotten checked for those. because i chalked the experience up to food poisoning (which my bro-in-law also came down with the next day). caused by what? spicy chinese food. take that ultrasound tech! }

what is it with my kids and birthday cake??

2010-02-28T19:49:00.000-08:00

caleb, 2006

leah, 2010

even after giving them a taste (against their will) neither of them "got into it."

he ended up in tears...

she ended up sharing.

with the next kid i'm thinking we might just give them a cucumber and let them go to town,

since that's what both caleb and leah wanted anyway.

it's times like these that i have to remind myself that they are in fact my children, when evidence like cake-eating points to the contrary.

luckily they both provided me with lots of leftover goodness.

and that's really what it's mostly about anyway, isn't it?

five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes.

2010-02-27T19:29:00.000-08:00

how do you measure the year of a life?

measure in love.

happy birthday baby girl.

the babelet conundrum, continued...

2010-02-26T19:27:00.000-08:00

another alternative to the babelet.

this may not solve the party in the back problem, but it helps create a diversion by providing some excitement in the front.

caleb is not a fan, to say the least.

as soon as she walked up to him, he yelled out,

"YIKES! WHAT IS THAT??"

and vowed not to look at her until it was taken out.

side air bags.

2010-02-25T19:26:00.000-08:00

who knew knees could have 'em?

there are times when...

2010-02-24T19:24:00.000-08:00

after my kids are in bed, i am often caught reading posts like these, and crying.

it is hard to read of others' suffering, especially when it comes to beautiful babies like layla, being stricken with something that is beyond anyone's control.

i pray for this little baby girl who has been so strong and fought such a good fight, and who is quite possibly losing this battle. i pray for her parents, and her sisters and others who surround her who try to make sense of an enormously un-sensible situation.

and i pray for myself. to have no regrets with my children. to enjoy each moment, instead of counting the minutes until nap time, quiet time, bedtime. to enjoy their soft, slobbery kisses a little more. to play with them and spend time with them all day long and remember that they are a direct gift from God who has given me the blessing of being their mother.

off to spend time with them:

a late valentine's night out

2010-02-19T09:32:00.000-08:00

it started with these...

(which hasn't happened since...ummmm, 2006)

and ended here...

we had such a good time talking, laughing, and dipping dipping dipping.

it was our 3rd date in 2 years and what we have lacked in quantity, we made up for with quality.
(not that i recommend this pattern for other couples. it's good to have frequent one-on-one time and it's something that we are recommitting to make a priority.)

while we were getting ready to go, caleb was asking us what "dates" were and when he would be able to go on them. we talked about him being 16 and then eventually marrying someone who he dated a lot.

as we walked out the door, caleb yelled to me,

"have fun with your husband, mom!"

and i did.

a purposeful babelet?

2010-02-18T09:29:00.000-08:00

well this is like the 20th posting i've done of leah. and i have other things to write about, but today was like "rite of passage day" in every little girl's life. bare with me.

okay, so.

after months of waiting...and calling her

Q-ball,

baldy mcbalderson,

mr. clean,

(in earlier, more hair-free days...5 months old)

leah finally has some hair.

(which by the way ben takes complete credit for. granted, he is the one who started brushing her bald noggin nightly after her bath, and he feels this is what stimulated the hair follicles. or something like that...ask him about it. i'm sure he'll tell you.)

however,

it's taking longer for the top to catch up to the back. most of the time she kind of resembles mr. stutz, my 7th grade science teacher, who had a combover that was out of this world.

exhibit A:

notice the side swipe? mr. stutz should have patented that little move. he could be a billionaire by now.

and here is the closest thing i have to the back of her hair, even though it's more of a side shot.

exhibit B:

i have to be honest here, and hope i don't offend the masses.

but i am NOT a fan of the baby mullet. i will call it the "babelet." and i haven't been a fan for years. it doesn't seem to matter how darling the face can be in front of the party in the back, i just can't get on board with it.

so my idea was to give her a little hair cut in the back, just enough so that it wouldn't hang over the back of her collars and stuff. giving the top a fighting chance in the race to the finish.

however, ben was completely against the idea.

like whoo doggy! AGAINST.

he was so dramatic about it that he could have physically thrown himself over her head of hair, yelled out "take me instead!" and i wouldn't have been surprised.

cutting this little girl's hair??? after it's taken so long to grow??? i should be ashamed!!

so i backed down. gritted my teeth, tried to calm down her flying hair when it drove me nuts and i saw visions of this little family swimming in my head:

but then today? i may have seen a little bit of the "mullet light."

because after about twenty minutes of trying to figure out what in the world i was even doing, i came up with a semi-finished product of how to work around the "babelet."

and here's the debut:

yes, they look more like upside down pigtails. and yes the back looks horrendous. but like i said, it took me 20 minutes and a whole lot of distracting her to stop pulling it out or arching her back while simultaneously yelling at me.

and it worked...for a few minutes. but at least i saw a hope of what could be.

i'm not sure yet that i'm entirely convinced. the pigtails are cute, but i also like the idea of a cute little round pixie-head until there's enough hair to go around.

any thoughts on the babelet??

the lack of privacy.

2010-02-17T09:28:00.000-08:00

can you see what this is?

if you guessed that it is my almost 1 year old daughter's chubby fingers reaching under the bathroom door,

you are right.

leah is in this phase where she follows me everywhere. there are times when this can be extremely frustrating...

like during mornings when caleb starts talking at the crack of dawn and doesn't stop. (even when...no, especially when i am on the phone. butting into all of my conversations. who is that, mom? they want to go where? what's wrong with their car? why are they taking it to the shop? and doesn't stop until i have answered all of his questions, or i just end up quickly getting off of the phone in exasperation.)

during afternoons when i have washed my fourth load of laundry for the day and see the looming pile of clean clothes looking at me on my bed (enter maniacal laundry laughing at me here.)

or evenings when both kids are falling apart at the same time, being hungry....tired...stinky & needing baths...and i actually at times break into a sweat for pretty much an entire hour of non-stop go! go! go!

or sunday mornings when i'm trying to get ready for church and not only are my kids crawling all over me, taking my hair brush. or picking up my make-up. or ruining my deoderant. and then feeling so guilty they burst into tears. but my husband decides to come into the bathroom and take a picture of me rinsing with mouthwash, and out comes this beauty:

or just for those times,

when all i want is

one

minute

to

myself.

but most of the time,

i said MOST,

i actually like that leah does this. that for the one minute that i have to myself, i have to set her across the room and try to distract her with toys, only to hear her just seconds later outside the door. banging, and yelling "ma ma maaaaa" and see her little chubby fingers under the cracks of the door.

because i know this will not last. soon she will become more independent and desire my company less. she will learn more words from the english language. words such as, oh how about, i wish you weren't my mom anymore! spoken by her older brother just a few days ago. (why do we teach them to speak again? remind me.)

it is an exhausting but rewarding time of life. one that teaches me patience, and selflessness, and the healthy kind of selfishness (you know, asking for something before you break down and set fire to that pile of laundry. that sort of thing.)

before i know it, i will have all the time in the world to exercise whenever i want to. whenever i want to! that i can shower without having to time it with leah's naps. that i can go through the grocery store without having to teach my talkative 4 year old the "quiet game" because his endless chatter has made me forget what i am making for dinner that night.

even though those things sound nice (well, fantastic really) right now, i know i will miss these times. when i am followed, begged, hugged, pinched, kissed, chased, smacked. when i am a teacher, a chef, a maid, a nurse, a comforter, a lecturer a snuggler.

a mother.

well, i will always be that. :)

but when the days come that i forget what this stage looks like,
her little fingers under the bathroom door,

or her little diapered bum helping slam the door open the second i turn the doorknob,

or her happy face when she is able to accomplish her goal and once again be in the presence of her mom,

well.

i'm glad i will have pictures to remember these moments.

my three valentine's

2010-02-14T09:27:00.000-08:00

all you

need is

love.

memories...from the corner of my nose...

2010-02-12T09:25:00.000-08:00

this morning ben noticed caleb's pj's smelled funk. which is exactly how he put it, when he walked up to me with his nose all wrinkled up and said,

"caleb's pj's smell funk."

"like mildew-y or something?" i asked. "cause that would be weird since they're brand new and i haven't even washed them yet, let alone wash them, forget about them and dry them a couple of days later. plus after having to throw away a bunch of clothes due to mildewy-ness, i thought i'd broken myself of that habit." (yeah, it's nasty. don't judge.)

"i don't know. just...." he scrunched up his nose again, "funk."

i called caleb over to judge for myself. took one whiff, and almost threw up. not because of the smell, which was pretty funk but not because it was overpowering or anything, but because i was immediately thrown back into my life 2 years ago.

"he must have wet his pants a little last night and not have woken up. i could recognize that scent anywhere!" i called to ben.

for those reading who don't know (or didn't read the private grouphomies blog), two years ago we were living in north carolina, living in and managing a group home for troubled teens. one of these kids in particular was not just a regular bed-wetter, but also had severely poor hygiene, and would marinate in her pee-soaked clothes, bedsheets, carpet, you name it for days. weeks sometimes. i wish i were exaggerating.

not only did she reek of it, but her room reeked of it. not only did her room reek of it, but the entire hallway reeked of it. not only did the entire hallway reek of it, but the entire downstairs pretty much reeked of it.

it was a smell that has unfortunately been forever burned into the memories of my nostrils.

the stench that we thought we should somehow bottle up and put into mace spray, knowing that it would ward off attackers from miles away.

miles!

we would become billionaires while simultaneously ending sexual assault around the world. a win, win.

so the slight smell i picked up on caleb's pj's (which as a side note, is like the second time since he's been potty-trained that he's actually had an accident and it didn't even get on his blankets or anything, so it really was slight) took me back to those days.

and i realized that for those readers who followed us through those days may be interested in how the kids we lived with for several traumatic months have turned out.

so i decided to write a little update on each of the kids to let you know how they're doing. some are success stories...some are not. some we have kept tabs on...some we have not.

it will be coming in the next couple of days, and due to confidentiality reasons for the clients (we don't need them google searching us to read about themselves, get angry, hunt us down and show up on our doorstep, do we? nope, at least not until we have mass-produced that mace spray and are ready with it to thwart off the attack.) will be posted on the private group home blog.

if you'd like an invite, leave a comment to let me know. there are some entertaining stories on there.

as a side note,

re-smelling that potent scent on caleb's jammies made me once again grateful that we survived that year, and that i am now only having to occasionally catch a whiff of what haunted me for months.

i learned many things throughout that year, and one that specifically came in handy today?

the recipe for:

how to get the pee-soaked smell out of clothes.
(also works for mildewy-ness, by the way.)

fill up your sink/washer/bowl or whatever with warm water.

add 1-2 capfuls (depending on the amount of clothes, or how long they have marinated in the scent) of Pine Sol.

let soak for a few hours, overnight is even better.

then wash in the washer with detergent like a normal load.

do the sniff check before you dry them, to make sure the scent has been ridden.

if not?

repeat the process. then dry.

if so?

just dry.

you're welcome.

sliders and swingers.

2010-01-28T23:27:00.000-08:00

these kiddos love the slide.

and i have to admit, so do i.

they also love to swing.

and if there were more than just the baby swings that i can only fit one of my arms into,
i'd probably be joining them on those too.

we love the park.

for the record, at almost 11 months she...

2010-01-24T22:44:00.002-08:00

walks about 10-12 steps at a time, but usually prefers about 4-5 before she busts down to her speedy crawl.
waves bye-bye.
can clap! clap! clap!
says mama, dada, duh (for duck), ba ba (for bottle), ni-ni (for her blankie) and baaaaah! (for BATH!). does the sign for milk and almost has "all done" down.
is still obsessed with the bath.
dances. this lady can shake it like a polaroid picture.
sings in a lovely, high-pitched voice.
loves licking any metal object.
has conversations with the baby einstein puppets on the TV screen.
loves reading books.
cracksup her brother with her headbanging skills. which is awesome since they share a room and she keeps him up alllllllll night. (anyone have any suggestions for this?)
irritates her brother by destroying pretty much anything he builds, wants to play with, or that gets in her way.
loves to get into the dishwasher, and open up the tupperware cupboard to throw every lid and bowl out.
has two bottom teeth.
also loves our bookshelf, she takes the books down in masses, then sits in the pile and looks through them individually as she jabbers away in her baby language.
has pushed my creative geniuses to the edge trying to keep her away from the computer, the computer charger, the DVD player and the cable box. don't even get me started on the box fan.

still is our little sweet pie, our fabulously sassy ray of sunshine. she has adopted so many nicknames (lee lee, chunk a lunk, miss pee pee pants (given to her by her brother) and sugar booger are a few) that i have to make a conscious effort to call her by her real name so that she recognizes it.

and we all adore her.

a punishment and a present.

2010-01-24T22:44:00.001-08:00

just because i haven't posted anything in a week, i thought i'd punish myself. and the consequence is......

you get to see what i looked like on christmas morning. which is why there weren't any pictures posted of me from that morning in the first place.

sporting my old, broken glasses, make up from the night before, and hair that would scare medusa, i am holding up the christmas presents from caleb.

you might be able to tell (but just in case you can't, because this picture ain't gettin' blown up to the ginormous size of the others i post), he purchased some girlie hair things. one of them is very, uber sparkly. the other is a set of flowers. both are attached to those soft, spongey-like backs, much like this:

with less princesses.

but the only problems i've run into, are these two:

1) caleb thinks they're earrings, not hair things. at first i thought i'd correct him, then decided against it. why? well because...

2) he actually really, really wants me to wear them. ben said as he picked them out in the store, caleb's #1 goal was to get his mom something that would make her feel pretty for church. i know, it's really sweet and completely melted my heart.

that being said, for the past couple of weeks on sunday morning, caleb has come bounding through the door carrying these bejeweled lovelies asking me which i would like to wear for the day. which ones match my specific dress.

and it's kind of nice to be able to wrap the soft rubber bands around my ears, and then pull my hair a little bit around them so that all the church masses see are some mismatched flowers, or a hint of pink sparkly.

not that i care all that much what others think about it. because making him happy is so much more important, but it is nice to be able to tone them down a bit. the sparkly ones are reeeeeeaaalllly sparkly.

after about an hour of wearing these at church, they actually start to hurt my ears. so by the time i make it to primary (which is where my calling is), the "earrings" have now been wrapped around one of my finger to look like a "ring." since caleb sees me in there, he has asked why. and i'm able to keep the sweet 4 year old dream a live by telling him that more people can see them if i wear them on my finger.

and to watch him nod his head, beam proudly and give me his signature "thumbs up"....

well after that, there's nothing anyone can say to convince me not to wear them.

maybe i'll take a picture of them this sunday for your visual pleasure. (but without my glasses on, because those are seriously hideous.)

sun, sun sun here it comes...

2010-01-15T22:42:00.000-08:00

doesn't this little picture make your day?

it sure makes mine.

happy friday everyone!

ben finally takes the plunge.

2010-01-11T22:41:00.000-08:00

for ben's big 3-0 birthday
(about 6 mos ago, ahem.)
he was given the gift he asked for.

to jump out of a tiny plane and plummet himself to earth with only another human being and a little backpack which would (hopefully) contain his life line to return him safely home.

also known as skydiving.

he couldn't wait.

i apparently was experiencing some anxiety about this because last night i had a dream that i was skydiving, and our parachute flew off, so my tandem rider said to me "don't worry! we have a backup!" and pulled a string to reveal 3 different colored balloons. and i yelled back, "THOSE are supposed to help us??" as we careened to the ground.

so today, he left all common sense on the ground and took the plunge! (and i phoned our life insurance agent to make sure those on the ground would not be left destitute)

and here are the pictures to document the event...also known as temporary insanity.

the location:

airport terminal, casa grande, AZ

the spectators:

me, (no picture)

one very excited 4 year old,

one very un-interested 10 month old,

and our camera dude.

since i don't own photoshop, and am without the ability to draw a little circle with an arrow pointing out the tiny dot that dropped out of a plane, for the next couple of pictures you are going to want to pull out your magnifying glass. or your grandma's bible readin' glasses.

can you see the 30 year old dot?

here he is getting closer...

and closer...

and closer...(right about here was where we could pick up on him WHOO-HOO'ing)

and just when i could have taken a completely AWESOME picture, my camera went out of focus and i got the 30 year old looking like this instead...

and this...

i mean seriously! that could have been a money shot! oh well.

the 30 year old kissed the earth he thought he'd never see again,
(actually he just took a breather for a second)

then un-attached the person attached to him...

de-robed the gear...

and smiled proudly.

the kids embraced joyfully,

and i called our life insurance agent and took his policy back down to a monthly payment we could afford.

happy birthday my 30 year old man!
here's to a new decade full of hot women, riches, success and happiness!

or...
being married to me, student debt, living in an apartment
and putting up with the 3 of us everyday!

(pick door #2 ben! pick door #2!)

at the happiest place on earth!

2010-01-07T18:39:00.000-08:00

in no particular order, here are the pictures of our first 2 days in disneyland. the last day i was in the hotel barfing and let's just say i'm the picture taker of the bunch.

prepare yourself for...

a picture overload!!

baby hawk.

2010-01-07T18:38:00.000-08:00

california day #2....going #2

2010-01-04T11:31:00.001-08:00

so now that the holiday madness is over, i'm going to try to get caught up a little here. i know i still need to post the final installment of the price of freedom, and it will come.

however, i decided to work my way backwards and start, instead with a couple of entertaining stories from our california trip. now as i mentioned, this was not the most restful or relaxing vacation. there were a lot of fun parts, but from the beginning of the trip i should have known that it was going to be a bit rough.

if you've guessed from the title that this story is about poop, you are right. however, it's not gory or disgusting or anything that will make you wish you had not eaten that no-bake cookie (because i'm sorry to say, those remind me of poop) right before you sat down at the computer.

no, in this story, the poop is merely a small character. a supporting actor, if you will. actually, a supporting actor's supporting actor.

so don't worry.

but when it comes to toddlers and babies, unfortunately bodily functions always play some sort of role. am i right, moms of the world?

am i RIGHT??

this was the second day of our vacation in california. as we had driven into anaheim 2 days ealier, it was pouring rain and the rain had not let up for a minute.

leah had been on her sleep-strike for going on 48 hours, which meant we were all on that same strike, (picketing outside buildings and tying ourselves to trees and all of that) whether we wanted to be or not.

trying my best to not give into a bad attitude that was creeping around the corners of my soul, i pumped a little bit of caffeine through my blood. and made the decision that i would not let a little sleep deprivation or bad weather rain on my parade.

we would make the best of this situation if it killed me, darn it!

our hotel had marketed being the proud owners of both an indoor and an outdoor pool. perfect! just for situations like this! i suited myself and the kids up for a lovely dip in the pool. i gathered pool toys, the diaper bag, both kids and some towels. not an easy feat.

only to find out that our "indoor pool" was really just part of the "outdoor" pool but with a four-poled structure built around half of the entire thing. so with wind blowing around 50 degrees and getting wet from the rain before we even dipped our toes in the shallow end, i knew it wasn't going to work.

caleb was disappointed, leah was freezing, and i was now trying to figure out how to make lemonade out of this one.

we got some pizza and went back up to the room. i attempted to force leah to end the strike and take a nap.

silly me.

there was no sleeping to be had. that little lady would have made ghandi proud.

at about 2pm, the rain cleared and the clouds finally parted. (enter singing angels here.) poor caleb had been pretty much cooped up in the hotel room for 2 full days, so i looked up the nearest park and got the kids ready yet again.

supplied with snacks, drinks, jackets in case the angels decided to go back home and let the rain take over. and we took off.

after getting a little lost, we made it to the park. i use the term "park" loosely because it was pretty much a tiny jungle gym stuck in the middle of some grass with a bench nearby. but i didn't care. and neither did the kids.

we had arrived! let the fun vacation begin! we're at a park for crying out loud! it's better than nothing!

the kids started playing. caleb was loving it, and leah was trying to eat every leaf and piece of gravel in sight. as i was keeping my eye on the kids, i also kept my eye on the two shady gentlemen standing in the parking lot nearby looking like they were exchanging some "items" after opening the back of a van with dark windows.

we were there for about 10 minutes when caleb yelled out, "mom! i need to go potty! i need to go poop!"

{enter stage left, the supporting actor's supporting actor.}

i squinted my eyes trying to see if there was a nearby restroom....this was a park after all, wasn't it? and saw a building a ways off that looked like it resembled a bathroom. so i picked up all of our stuff, and leah, and grabbed caleb's hand to trek off to the potty.

only when we got there, it was locked.

LOCKED.

why oh why?

caleb's requests became more urgent. i racked my brain for an answer.

that's it!

i saw us pass a target as we rounded the corner to the park. targets have bathrooms! that aren't locked!

so we ran back to the car, strapped in and went to the store to find restrooms basically smiling at us.

this should be the happy ending of my story, but it's not.

you see, caleb is a tiny fella. we love him just the way he is, but when it comes to sitting on toilets, it doesn't matter how much we love him...he can't sit on them without falling in. believe me i have tried. so has ben. we've tried strapping his legs around the sides, scooting him forward, scooting him backward.

at our house it's no big deal, we have one of these:

and we were even smart enough to bring it with us on our vacation.

but where was it? oh that's right, in the hotel room.

if we don't have one of these seats, we literally have to hold him on the potty while he "goes" so that he doesn't fall in. i wish i were joking. (i also wish there had been some sort of job description that i could have read before becoming a mother. i wonder if i still would have signed at the dotted line? hmmmm.)

while walking into target, my mind started going through the logistics of this:

1) i was going to have to hold caleb on the toilet.

2) leah loves to lick floors. and all things metal.

3) how was i going to keep leah from licking the bathroom floor and that lovely "special box" (as caleb calls it) in each of the stalls that gets to hold ummmm....trash for ladies experiencing girl week?

4) sometimes caleb takes a while to "go." if i put leah in a cart outside the stall, will she sit there for 10 minutes? will i trust the general public of bathroom-goers at the local anaheim target to not take my darling baby?

i couldn't chance it.

5) wait! target carries those potty seats! genius.

i had found the solution. so i put the kids in a cart and zoomed down the aisles to find the potty seat. we bought one, zoomed back into the bathroom, i sat caleb down on the seat, and leah and i waited outside the stall for him to tell me he was done.

only he took forrrreeeevvvveeeerrrrr......

and at that moment, leah's sleep deprivation kicked in. she started screaming and wailing and freaking out. head banging while in the front of the cart.

screeching.

women stared at me as they came in. i kept checking on caleb, asking him to hurry.

each time i checked on him, leah's screeches went up in volume. sounding like a wild hyena who hasn't eaten in weeks to just happen upon some random animal laying in a ditch, only to have that animal drug away by all of the hyena's friends without even an offer to share . nice analogy i know. but that's what it reminded me of.

i pulled out everything i could think of. of course because i'd been in such a rush i didn't have any toys with me. so we went through the diaper bag. she screamed and tossed each item aside as i continually tried to find something to appease her.

finally i held out my car keys. AHA! metal! she was in love. she licked them, slobbered on them, jingled them in her hands.

a moment of silence.

until she dropped them. on. the. bathroom. floor. EW.

i was NOT going to let her put them back in her mouth. i have limits, you know.

but suddenly, the screeching began. the hyena went wild after seeing that her only source of happiness was now lying 3 feet below her.

and i panicked. i reached down and grabbed the keys and handed them to her quickly. she immediately stuffed them in her mouth.

i dry heaved.

"caleb! are you almost done???" i whispered into the stall door impatiently through gritted teeth.

"um, i think so. almost," was his reply.

she dropped the keys again.

screech.

shriek.

yell.

scream.

i handed them to her again.

she put them in her mouth. again.

i pictured all of the diseases she had just put in her mouth. diptheria, hepatitus a, b, c, and d. random venereal diseases.

i tried not to vomit.

finally, FINALLY, caleb announced he was done.

{enter stage left again, the supporting actor's supporting actor.}

i went to go and help him wipe up.

and it must be mentioned. i'm sorry.

but two of the tiniest little pieces of poop EVER. like, raisin in size.

i lost it. "THERE IS NO WAY THAT THIS IS ALL YOU HAD TO DO AFTER ALL OF THIS!" i said.

"yep! i'm done!" he smiled up at me.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME CALEB."

i'm sure the other women in the stall either were laughing or wondering if i was the poop nazi or something. what was wrong with that woman berating her son for not producing more fecal matter? how could she be so cruel?

if only they knew. ugh.

i wiped him, helped him down, washed his hands. sanitized the keys. sanitized leah's hands. debated about whether or not it would be worth the risk of poisoning her by sanitizing her mouth to avoid the diseases she had just ingested. decided against it and just prayed she had a fabulous immune system.

grabbed the potty seat that now stays permanently in the trunk of my car just for another occasion such as this one.

and as we drove away from target, it started to rain again.

we went back to the hotel.

don't drink and drive.

2009-12-31T15:48:00.000-08:00

or mess around with your mom's empty soda pop bottle and look like a hot mess.

hope everyone has a safe and happy new year's eve!

if you don't have a genie, you should get one!

2009-12-30T16:48:00.000-08:00

so thanks to mrs. becker, who granted my wish, i was sent this photo of ben and i from the christmas party.

pinch #3 from posting unflattering pictures of ben is coming my way!

thanks fawn. :)

christmas wrap up-unwrapped.

2009-12-30T15:46:00.000-08:00

this was our first time in 7 years that we have been on our own for christmas, just our little family. i don't necessarily count the group home year in north carolina, because when we were there, we were never alone.

we did miss our extended family but it was also nice to be home and not living out of suitcases this year. let alone the stomach flu that seems to plague us whenever we step foot outside of arizona.

for christmas eve, we kept it low key inviting some friends over for dinner and ben's first viewing of "it's a wonderful life." i know what you're thinking... how has he made it through 3 decades of life without seeing this movie?? it's a classic! i mean who doesn't feel the christmas spirit when you hear jimmy stewart cry out,

"MERRY CHRISTMAS MISTER POTTER!"

if the answer is that you don't, then you very obviously have a heart of stone.

after the movie, our friends went home and ben and i set up the goods for christmas morning. we had so much fun getting all ready for the kids to wake up.

here we are. well, they are....in their christmas pj's. ready to go see what was waiting for them under the tree. (even ben had a surprise coming at him--i am so sneaky and awesome!)

ben's going to pinch me for posting that picture, but it had to be done.

here are the boys with their remote control trucks. (ben felt that caleb needed a remote control buddy....um, whatever you have to tell yourself to justify driving one at 30, sweet pea! and i feel pinch #2 is probably quickly on its way.)

leah with her table. she danced all morning to the tunes.

opening up games to play together,

new animals to chomp on,

a keyboard piano to fill the house with harmonious, peaceful music...

and also to fight with your sister over.

caleb's two favorite gifts were his remote control truck and this little fella:

rocky the fish.

appropriately named by caleb because he is so tough and can whistle the "rocky" theme song whenever he is fed. not really, but ben does.

so here was ben's surprise:

and here is the story behind it. when i asked ben what he wanted for christmas, he said with a somewhat flippant tone,

"my own socks."

then launched into this drama-filled, woe-is-him-filled explanation about how i borrow his socks all of the time and don't wear matching ones so now he has no matches.

for a more accurate and non-biased description of his socks, here it is.

YES i borrow his socks. but how often?? like, never.

YES i don't care if they're the exact "match" but if they're both white, and the same length and same size, who really cares of one has a nike check on it and the other one has a grey line at the toes? (answer: ONLY ONE PERSON. BEN.)

YES he still has matching pairs of socks. like, a lot of them. but if he wants to be a drama queen, so be it! :)

so as a surprise to him, i woke up early, confiscated all of his "non-matching" socks and decided to become their proud new owner. and i left a note in ben's sock drawer saying that all of his socks had been taken by the sock bandit. with a big bow on the outside, so that he would open it up first thing.

then i bought him like $30 worth of new socks and covered our apartment with them. i taped them on walls, doors, tables, chairs, and on our bookshelf.

and they all have their own distinctive mark so that i will never make the grave mistake to borrow one of his socks ever again! NEVER. AGAIN.

and he was happy.

merry christmas darling. (he got more than socks, but that was the one that needed to be documented)

christmas day we just relaxed, then that night we went to the beckers house for dinner and fun.

here's miss leah:

caleb chilling with the ladies:

and playing pirates:

i wish i would have gotten a picture of ben and i, but forgot to.

we had a wonderful couple of days and
couldn't have asked for anything more.

feeling like me again.

2009-12-28T15:45:00.000-08:00

this is the hotel room where i stayed.

two beds. one for the laptop, one for me.

and this is my new hair.

a little more brunette,

a lot more rested.

it was a good day.

where am i tonight?

2009-12-27T20:44:00.000-08:00

at home? nope.

that's right. in a hotel room. by myself.

why?

well, because after the california trip i've been feeling a bit like this:

which isn't good for anyone, because that leaves my hair looking like this:

i came home frazzled and sooooooo tired of being tired. and it just felt like i couldn't catch a break. so for my christmas present i asked ben for one thing:

a good night's rest.

just one.

and yesterday he surprised me by telling me he had gotten a sweet deal (think less than a pair of shoes, ladies! a cheap pair of shoes.) on a hotel room for just little old me.

i was so excited, especially after being woken up by caleb last night at 2am letting me know he was hungry, then 4am letting me know he needed to go potty, then 7:30am letting me know he was ready to wake up now.

which made the idea of a night away with me sleeping in tomorrow morning so much more appealing!

so now i'm here, and feeling a little bit lost as to what to do. you mean, just sit around and watch a movie? there's no laundry to do? no dishes to wash?

just me and some chocolates?

the hotel room is beeeeyoootiful. sitting in 25 acres of loveliness that i didn't know existed in arizona. a big puffy bed, soft sheets, bottled water, a jetted tub.

i almost don't recognize this girl:

who has a few more hours to figure out who she is again. not just the titles i have been wearing for years:

wife.

mother.

maid.

cook. (well, we use that term loosely around my place.)

friend.

sister.

daughter.

but also the girl who's been existing beneath the surface of those titles.

it's not that i don't enjoy my life. i do enjoy it.

in fact, i love it.

but there are times when i feel like i'm being swallowed up by it.

it was hard for me to ask for this. i felt guilty. selfish. like i should be fine with the way things are going and that the feeling of being stretched too thin will go away or get better.

but the truth is that things weren't getting better. each time i thought i could get extra rest, or enjoy a couple of hours to myself, something would come up. and i was finding myself pushing back my needs and my "me time" to someone or something that needed me more.

so i'm here to say to any of you out there reading this:

it's okay to ask for something for yourself.

whether it's a longer shower, or time to get ready without a baby trying to eat your blush brush, or an extra 20 minutes on the treadmill.

or one good night's sleep.

and if you have married someone who not only gets you, but wants you to get back to yourself,

they'll surprise you and let you do just that.

the best decision you can make...

2009-12-27T12:52:00.001-08:00

is to marry the right person.
7 years ago today, i did just that.

i love you ben.

merry christmas to all!

2009-12-27T12:30:00.001-08:00

we have had a wonderful christmas eve, and a wonderful christmas day so far.

full of love, presents, surprises, and of course a sibling squabble. but christmas wouldn't be complete without that, would it?

yet again, i took too many pictures.

so for now, just enjoy this one:

small, sweet and pretty. just like we like 'em.

hope you all have a merry christmas!

with a round little belly, that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly

2009-12-27T12:29:00.000-08:00

we had a really special visitor today, who came right to our front door.

you should have seen caleb's face when he heard the jingling of his bells outside.

during his visit,

he tickled caleb with his beard...

showed us what happened to rudolph's nose
(if the picture wasn't B&W you'd be able to see it glow (like a lightbulb!))...

read a story about the true meaning of christmas...

gave caleb a special bell, like the one from the polar express...
(which we will now have him watch, oops.)

while miss leah stayed occupied with the goods...
(don't worry folks, the plastic is still on. i may let my daughter eat stuff off of the bathroom floor in target, but by heavens she will NOT have processed sugar!)

and they all posed for a picture before saying goodbye... (doesn't leah just look elated? she could hardly contain her excitement. in her defense i had to awaken her from a deep slumber for her very 1st santy claus encounter. she was a little shell-shocked.)

the best part is that now caleb thinks i'm now in "santa's loop." so i have the threat of calling santa on the phone if he's not kind to his sister or obeys his mom and dad. (oh the power! i must not abuse it. but i sorta feel like frodo with the one ring that rules them all.)

the fear in his eyes is enough to make me want to buy a santa suit so we can whip that puppy out when caleb needs a strict talking-to.

we were so lucky that we had awesome brother goodwin from our ward who could make this visit possible. it sure beats the waiting in line to sit on his lap for 3 seconds while getting trigger happy with the camera to try to get a good shot. (i still went trigger happy, but this year actually got a good shot.)

thank you so much you jolly fella!

a summary.

2009-12-19T18:17:00.000-08:00

i wish the joy in this picture could sum up our trip to california.

i also wish that after a few days of being home, i could look at the silver lining of what went on and be ready to "chalk that one up."

chalk it up to what though? the realization that EVERY SINGLE TRIP i have been on in 2009 has ended or had during it some sort of major illness or disaster??

i know it could be worse, i get that.

i know we made it through in one piece (even though i felt like i left several pieces of my own behind in our hotel room).

but seriously.

when it comes to trips:

I CAN'T SEEM TO CATCH A BREAK.

so here's a slight summary:

2 out of 4 of us vomited
1 out of 4 of us went to the ER
1 out of 4 of us missed a day of disneyland
4 out of 4 of us were severely sleep deprived

however,

4 out of 4 of us had a lot of fun intermingled with the other stuff
4 out of 4 of us...nope, wait. 3 out of 4 of us would totally do it all over again

i won't go through the day-by-day sordid details, however there were a couple of severely "come on! you have got to be kidding me!" moments that deserve their own postings. so they will get them.

one of them being a complete dedication to the ultrasound tech who was checking to see if i had gallbladder stones.

i hope he is somewhere close, has nothing better to do in his spare time than read mommy blogs, is a secret follower of mine, and reads that little ditty. because i have a feeling that after it, he will never open his mouth again. or at least i hope so.

another being the adventure where i...the self-professed germaphobe... let leah suck on my car keys after they had been on the bathroom floor at the local target (multiple! times!).

yeah, go ahead and vomit. i already did.

well luckily i have already come to the point where things are quickly becoming ironically funny. and so hopefully the postings won't reek of the bitterness i felt on the drive home and instead turn around and be able to convey that sometimes things aren't always roses and chocolates, but you can get through them and still cling to the glimmer of hope that you might be able to one day have a successful family vacation.

whatever that means. :)

what does this do best?

2009-12-17T09:06:00.001-08:00

just look at her. isn't she pretty?

all of her attachments.

working so hard to turn my cowardly lion mane into something that is resembling of a little more....human. (don't laugh--that's the goal at least)

but with all of that work she has done in the past, during our vacation, this fabulous piece of machinery outdid herself.

what was so brave, so heroic, so beyond all expectations i ever had when purchasing this hair dryer for $25 many months ago?

you guessed it.

this hair dryer

put

our

baby

to

sleep.

in a final act of desperation, after rocking, singing, walking, turning on our own white noise, laying down with her, feeding her, and being at my wit's end,

i finally turned on my hair dryer.

within seconds she was quiet.

within TWO MINUTES she was asleep.

i left it on allllllll night (on the cool setting).

i probably should have been worried about how this was a potential fire hazard.

or more importantly (i'm kidding...or am i?) worried that it could have burned out and i would have been the cowardly lioness for the duration of our vacation.

but was i worried?

no.

i was tired.

and finally asleep.

so.....

congratulations!!
we have two winners for the prize!

first on my facebook page,

kira said:
Can I play too? A hair dryer? Has that already been guessed?

no kira, you awesome cousin. it hadn't been guessed. (and to be honest, i was kind of getting worried that no one would guess it and i'd have to keep the prize) way to make me proud!

then, on my blog posting,

marci said:
Did you turn the blow dryer that comes in the room on low and just let it run all night? I can not think of anything else that makes noise in the room?

marci, i knew we've been friends for this long for a reason!

so since you both answered while i was still in disneyland to get your surprises, email me your address and i'll get them in the mail!

ben.strader@gmail.com

i'll be sending one for each of your kids....i wish they could be enormous and amazing but come on, we're poor students. but they're still cute, fun, from disneyland, and it's always nice to get something in the mail right??

right!

why didn't anyone tell me that babies don't sleep in hotel rooms?? (and a prize is offered at the bottom!)

2009-12-12T15:48:00.001-08:00

so right now we are here:

where ben is attending a psychology conference and the kids and i are supposed to be out and about on our "vacation."

however leah and mother nature teamed up to make some different plans.

instead of doing ANY of this:

she has chosen to do this:

and the weather has been like this:

instead of what we had hoped to be more like this:
(i will interject here to say that right now the worst feeling in the world is sleep deprivation combined with having the bottom of my jeans wet while walking barefoot around the hotel room. ugh.)

which is leaving me a bit...no, a LOT....like this:

when i would rather be feeling like this:

after much research on what to do to help a baby sleep easier in a hotel room, last night i found a solution.

leah slept the whole night through without a peep. it is still raining and the bottom of my jeans are still dripping, but one out of two isn't bad, right?

so to spread some much-needed vacation-turned-hellacious-3-days-and-back-again cheer, i am offering up a special surprise to the first person who can answer correctly what i used to help her sleep. (only one per comment but you can guess more than once if you'd like to)

this is no joke! the surprise is fun!

so take a guess, give it your best shot.

what would you do in an act of desperation to get your baby to sleep?

and since tomorrow and the 2 days after that we will be here:

i will be checking back probably wednesday or thursday to see if anyone has guessed it right.

good luck!!

and cross your fingers for me that this is, in fact, the happiest place on earth. and that they have a magical room where moms can nap all day long while the dads get to take the kids and stand in lines. :)

two years in a row is a tradition, right?

2009-12-09T20:57:00.000-08:00

we joined the beckers for the annual phoenix festival of lights and had a fabulous time... those beckers make it hard to NOT have a good time with them. we went to their house first for some hot chocolate and treats, then bundled up for the freezing (yes, even for us thin-skinned arizonians it was about 35 degrees) weather to watch the parade.

(look how pretty fawn is?? there are many things that are unfair in this world, and she is one of them.)

we actually busted out the winter coats for this event.

here's leah in hers:

caleb in his:

ben and i in ours:

i figured i'd document it because it's probably the one night we'll actually use them this year. and i'm not bragging about this, it feels like such a waste to have to buy warm gear when we know we'll hardly get any use out of it. luckily caleb's on the slight side so he wore his from last year. but i'm pretty sure miss-double-chin will outgrow hers before the week is up. (and no, i'm not talking about myself. but thanks for asking.)

there were a couple of other families who joined us this year, and we had so much fun with all of them. i'm pretty sure caleb had the best time though, since all the kiddos his age were ladiessssss. he got his mojo on, and i had to remind him several times to leave the girlies alone so they could enjoy the parade.

"but mom! they think i'm funny! i'm making them laugh!" was his reply.
who is this? my 4 year old? good grief.

anyway, here are some more pictures for your enjoyment:

(warning: MAJOR double chin alert. isn't it awesome?
relax ben, i'm not talking about you.)

the big man in red with a bowl full of jelly brought up the rear in the final float and i yelled out to him what i wanted for christmas.

i made sure it was inaudible though, so that there wouldn't be any other listening ears leaning into cheat. (will let you know if santa delivers. :)

we had such a fun night and are eagerly awaiting to do it in 365 more days.
hooray for tradition!

PS-i just had to throw this in. anyone see a resemblance?? maybe less cute, more scarf? yeah they would be pretty much twins. "show me how the piggies eat!"

the shirtless driver

2009-12-04T18:27:00.000-08:00

i love it when the kids make toys out of anything. cans of food become bongo drums, cushions become forts, and treadmills become a vast sea for animals to shipwreck into, clinging to the tread for dear life.

this time caleb and leah chose the folded up stroller to have fun with. it started with leah crawling over to stand up and push it back and forth, then caleb hopped on for a ride. leah would yell at the top of her lungs (which i would interpret to caleb as baby lingo for "ALL ABOARD") and caleb would laugh his head off.

i love when this type of stuff happens. there have been times that i have worried about the age gap between the two kids...that they might not want to play together. but as leah gets older i'm realizing that it just takes time. for them to realize that they can find common ground even though they aren't the same gender or the same age.

and even better? i love when these games last for about an hour. it's nice to have them entertain each other. especially when they can do it and crack me up too.

P.S.- no, leah had not peed through her diaper. she had just finished having a hey-day with her sippy cup. she loves to drench herself. (which is why she wasn't wearing a shirt in the first place.) and yes, caleb is in his pj's. cause some days we roll like that.

my own little narcissist.

2009-11-30T20:50:00.001-08:00

you don't need a psychologist in the house
to diagnose this one.

feeling gratitude for...

2009-11-26T20:25:00.001-08:00

being married to a hard working gent
(who was chewing some turkey at the time this was taken)...

a mom to a creative, happy 4 year old
(who clearly needs a new pair of shoes)...

a cute and somewhat sad 9 month old
(who after a rough week popped out her first tooth)...

fabulous dinner with friends
(the best turkey EVER and even better company)...

glass doors to keep her away from the dog
(watch out riley, soon she'll figure out how to open it)...

God, love, family, freedom, warmth, shelter, education,
and so many many more things.

including a healthy, able body.

even if the tootsies are somewhat tired tonight.

hope you had a happy thanksgiving!

on why i switched to formula.

2009-11-17T08:29:00.000-08:00

hi there,

my sister asked me to write an article on why i made the decision to switch from breast feeding to formula feeding. with both of my kids it was a difficult decision that took a long time, which most of you have already read about on this blog.

but if you'd like to read the article, then click on this link for supermomcentral.blogspot.com.

and leave a comment! thanks!

the price of freedom, part 2 of 3...

2009-11-16T19:38:00.000-08:00

second car, #2:

a.k.a.  the "holy shizballs!" night.

when the gremlin was sold for parts, i threw myself a party. let's call it a wake. a celebration of a life (lived poorly, but a life nonetheless), and the fact that it was over. distributed among various people, never to be put back together to torture me for one more second.

i was happy.

nay, elated.

however, at this point in the story we were in the dead of winter (which starts sometime in mid-august and ends the following year at the beginning of july) living in rexburg, idaho. it looked a little like this:

only with much, MUCH more ice.

i consider the temperatures in this small town to be what i imagine the opposite of what hell would feel like. when you would walk outside just to take out the garbage the icy breeze wouldn't just freeze your nose hairs, it was so cold that you actually felt like your nose had completely frozen on your face and had fallen off. there were several times i dropped to my hands and knees in search of my lost nose. only to frantically reach back up to feel for it and hey! it was still there!

basically you would lose all feeling of any uncovered appendage in about 30 seconds flat.

anyone who has lived there can attest to this.

in fact, you could probably spot rexburgians of past and present amid a crowd of strangers because they are most likely sporting some sort of leftover frostbite on the edges of their sniffer. and if you look really closely i bet you can still see ice crystals in their eyebrows.

moving on.

also at this point in the story, ben was teaching seminary out in mud lake, idaho (no, i don't make this stuff up) and left early in the morning while i worked at an eye doctor's office which was about a 10-15 minute walk from where we lived. ben left about 2 hours earlier than i did for work, and got home about 2 hours before me.

now i can guess what you're thinking. can't she just walk to work? and the answer is yes, and i did. many times, in fact. or my lovely friend cindy was kind enough to give me a ride. but aside from the frigid temps and the burning desire to keep my original nose on my face, i was also 4 months pregnant. here's a visual so you don't have to just imagine what i looked like:

i know, i know. pregnancy looks good on me, right? and yes, ben had a different hair cut back in those days. but the rest is the same, thank heavens.

so i ask you.

would you want this lovely, lithe creature who's with child to have to brave the freezing winds of rexburg and risk tripping on 3 layers of ice on top of ice on top of ice to fall and bruise her amazing backside?

i think not.

the truth is, i was fine with walking to work. by the time i would arrive i couldn't remember who i was or where i was going due to the hypothermia that had set in my brain, but i was happy to do it. but then lady fortune smiled upon me and that same friend (cindy) who would pick me up sometimes decided to upgrade her car. and this was the beaut she was a'partin with:

presenting, second car #2:

1993 honda accord.
color: champagne. condition: mint.

i will call her
"little beauty."

cindy took amazing care of this car and i knew it. so when she had heard of our gremlin circumstance, she offered to sell it to us. we jumped at the chance! we bought it sometime around the beginning of november. we adored little beauty and if you walked down the street by our house you could often overhear us outside whispering sweet nothings to this car and smothering it with slobbery kisses. with our nose muffs on, of course.

i wish i were joking.

cut to the week before christmas. we had some awesome friends who we are still friends with, who needed some help. i can't remember if their car had broken down or if they didn't think it would make the trek to utah...the details are fuzzy. long story short, we let them borrow our first car, (the nissan altima) to take to utah to visit their family. and we took little beauty to utah for our own holiday visit.

we wrapped up all of the christmas presents, packed up the car and set out for what would become a very memorable night.

as we drove we realized the severity of the weather. again, for your visual pleasure it looked a little something like this:

only worse.

i consider ben to be a very safe driver, sometimes to the point that i look at him and say in a snotty tone, "HEY OLD MAN, ARE YOU WANTING TO GIVE YOUR FRIENDS RIDING THEIR JAZZIES A CHANCE TO CATCH UP?"

but lucky for us both, he doesn't give into peer pressure or wives with a tendency to spew snot every once and a while. we slowed to a snail's pace on the freeway and i settled in for a long drive.

there were barely any other cars out on the road with us, and if ever we saw one it was usually because it had slid off and was now blinking hazard lights to alert the masses.

we were going about 55 mph in a 75 mph zone, singing "DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW..." at the top of our lungs when suddenly, we hit a patch of black ice. (the singing was a detail added for dramatic effect. ahem.)

the little beauty spun counter-clockwise and smacked into a metal pole that looked like a mile marker, only on the opposite side of the road. that pole sent little beauty spinning, orbiting around the icy and dark freeway.

our seat belts locked, my hair flew in my face and christmas presents went everywhere.

and this was it, folks.

it was like everything was in slow motion. i let out a high pitched squeal that i know would have sent dogs running to us from all directions if there had been any in sight. and as i squealed, i looked at ben with my eyes open as wide as my mouth.

and all he could do was yell,

"HOLY SHIIIIIZZZZBBAAAALLLSSSSSSS!!!!"

which still makes me laugh thinking about it. i can laugh because we both survived this basically unharmed.

anyway, as our car careened out of control, we spun down into the snow-covered grassy median. the poor little beauty slammed backwards into a guard rail which luckily stopped us from spinning into oncoming traffic going the opposite direction.

we ended up at an almost 90 degree angle, much like this:

only instead of teetering our back wheels on a motor home, we were teetering on a guard rail. (i get it, this accident looks much worse. let's not compare notes, shall we? it's just to give you the ever-needed visual.)

it was one of those surreal moments where for about 30 seconds, we pretty much hyperventilated because we were breathing so hard. then we just looked at each other, with our mouths still open.

both of us thinking,
did this really just happen?

and then ben got out to survey the damage. he grabbed the camera and snapped pictures of me peeking through the windshield, basically upside down. boy do i wish i had a copy of those pictures. but alas, i do not. just think of a glowing angelina...er, me...looking like a deer in the headlights but still a vision of matronly goddessness.

he came back to report that the little beauty was broken, probably never to be repaired. i have to admit i shed a tear or two (darn that left tear duct again!) over our loss.

we called family who came to our rescue. in the meantime we were met with the biggest DB of a police officer.

he actually gave ben a ticket! for what?

improper lane travel.

so i guess we were supposed to signal as we were spinning from lane to lane?

oops, sorry officer douce bag. next time we'll remember that. our bad.

he yelled at our family members for pulling over to help us out, couldn't give a rats patootie that we were freezing in our no-longer-working car, and gave me the stink eye when he heard me spew some more snotty remarks under my breath at his gall and un-christmasy spirit.

though in the big scheme of things, mr. police-grinch-man was a minor detail. as i mentioned beforehand, luckily we were not harmed. and that was most important.

but unfortunately we could not say the same for little beauty. the insurance company deemed her "totalled" and as we removed the remainder of our belongings before she was towed away, we whispered our love for her for the last time.

she was only with us for about 6 weeks, but we still speak often of little beauty. and when she is mentioned, we bow our heads for a moment of silence.

once again, we became a one car family.

coming up.....

second car, #3

"A GENEROUS GIFT BECOMES A WAY
TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF AN AUTO MECHANIC"

sweet potatoes and corn.

2009-11-13T09:00:00.000-08:00

think she likes it?

guess not.

but what does she like?

smooches from her dad.

the price of freedom...part 1 of 3

2009-11-06T09:43:00.000-08:00

so i realized that i haven't yet blogged about

a very important event in the strader family world:
(a hush falls over the crowd. drum roll please.....)

after almost 7 years together, we are a two car family!
(the crowd goes wild, starting the wave in the counter-clockwise direction)

well.

"technically" (i am using my air quotes here) we have had two cars before. 3 times in our marriage actually. but to say that we are finally a two car family and live up to the name would take a little story telling.

as i started writing this i realized that the story of the gremlin deserved a posting all its own.

so indulge me if you will.

second car, #1: (did that make sense? think it through. it will come.)

presenting...
the gremlin.
dun dun duuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

ugh. just that picture gives me PTSD. and whole lot of it!

here is my lovely pile of metal, only think older, with more rust stains and an imaginary sign above it everywhere it goes that reads "THORN IN LYNSEY'S SIDE."

why? well, funny you asked........

back in the year 1999, pre-ben, pre-hatchback life i was enjoying this little lady:

except about 10 years older than this model, a black top and a little more orange-red than fire hydrant red. but still. sigh.

picture my hair blowing in the wind, blasting music as i breeze by you. the song of choice for this moment in the story will be air supply's "making love out of nothing at all" (outtanothingatalllll).

i drove my lovely cabriolet convertible in high school and while living for a summer in jackson hole. as that summer neared its end my dad took it for a weekend, admitting to me he was going to have to sell it and get more of a "snow-friendly car" to survive the frigid wyoming winters.

i watched with a tear in my eye (the left one, if you were wondering) as my little red, roofless wonder drove away. there was a small shred of hope that held a possibility of what might return in its place. i'm really not that car savvy or particular. i just wanted something that was reliable in the snow, ice, sleet, hail and moose poop. and kind of cute. was that asking too much?

i guess it was.

the "little hatchback that could" is what returned.

a slight gasp escaped my lips as my dad putted up through the parking lot driving the gremlin, but i set my shoulders square and decided to give it the ol' college try.

cut to, like 3 weeks later. for the first of 4 times, the gremlin broke down. and when i say "broke down," i'm not talking a lame refusing-to-start-on-a-bitterly-cold-day-i-have-to-call-a-friend-to-drive-me-to-work broke down.

i'm talking, i'm-in-the-middle-of-nowhereland-on-my-way-to-logan-from-jackson-driving-by-myself-up-a-canyon-on-a-hot-summer-day-with-no-A/C-when-the-gremlin-decided- to-growl-its-last-growl (or so i had hoped) broke down. with a trail of cars behind me, i crawled at a snail's pace with my white knuckles clutching the steering wheel. at the time i was heading uphill. the car repeatedly lurched, making some noises that i know the good people over at subaru did not build this car to make.

if you have known me long enough, you have heard my impression of this noise. though there were no witnesses besides myself, i can assure you that it is a dead on impression.

i did reach the top of the canyon's hill...i credit all of my prayers--said loudly to overshadow the crazy lurching noises--being answered to get to that spot. not only was i praying, but singing intermittently "CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN," pulling my best mother abbess impersonation in hopes of sending the gremlin some positive energy.

did i mention that this was pre-everyone owns a cell phone years? no, that isn't the same year that grandma beula was crowned prom queen. it was just a mere decade ago, folks. unbelievable, but true.

my thinking was that once it was fixed, the gremlin and i could discuss where this relationship was taking us and whether or not we were compatible as vehicle cohabitants. you think i am joking? i have had to have many heart-to-hearts with my automobiles. some airing in my favor, most of them not. (like 70/40.)

unfortunately i never had the opportunity to have that conversation with the ol' gal. because after leaving the auto shop with a new and improved gremlin (after the mechanic said to me "wow, subarus never break down!" i wanted to punch him.) , i settled into a false sense of security. i thought i had all the time in the world for my mano-y-mano chat.

a couple of weeks later i was again driving solo on my way to a wedding in utah when the gremlin gave me some more trouble. this time there was smoke coming from the hood and it was overheating. luckily i was in the heart of idaho falls and close to a wendy's parking lot. so i turned off the nasty beast and sailed in neutral right into a space where i sat for a good 2 hours waiting for it to cool down.

luckily this time i had learned my lesson and had borrowed my dad's cell phone. it was one of the newer models and looked a little somethin' somethin' like this:

"DAD! THE LAME CAR BROKE DOWN ON ME AGAIN!" i sobbed into the boxy receiver as my dad picked up the call.

"what's wrong this time sweetie? subarus just don't break down, you know." i sensed the exasperation in his voice. like it was my fault or something! i explained the symptoms. then he uttered the question that i still harbor resentment in my heart for:

"are you sure you know how to drive a clutch?"

my reply came out fast and furious.

"DAD ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO TAUGHT ME TO DRIVE A CLUTCH! I'VE BEEN DRIVING ONE SINCE I WAS 16. THIS IS A PIECE OF POOP CAR AND YOU DON'T WANT TO ADMIT THAT SINCE YOU BOUGHT IT AND WERE TAKEN FOR A RIIIIIIDE IN THIS LEMON!"

silence on the other end. i contemplated whether or not i had gone too far. but as i felt my sweaty back from the hot summer air and looked at the steam rising from the hood to the clouds i did not regret my decision to take a stand. this. must. stop.

"well, sit there for a little longer and then give it another try." words of wisdom i tell you.

and so i did. like i said, after 2 hours, i started the gremlin up and made it to utah without a problem.

the third time it broke down is short and sweet. one winter morning in below zero temps, it just wouldn't start. got it fixed, endured another lecture of how subarus never break down. end of that one.

but the fourth time? a doozy.

i had moved back home from jackson and was living with my parents. driving into salt lake every day was always a gamble in the gremlin. it would shudder to life every morning until i gave it a pep talk to get a move on. that we could survive together one more day.

but one morning, there was a horrible snow storm. i had just entered the freeway, and was about 15 miles from my house when the car put-put-putted and du-du-died. no cell phone with me, and with some crazy traffic going on, i put on my coat and snuggled into my seat. flashes of my frozen, lifeless body came into my mind. this was the end of me.

yeah, that's a gross picture. sorry.

about 20 minutes later, a car pulled to the side. a sweet middle-aged couple had come to my rescue!

"did you run out of gas?" the husband asked me gently. i took his tone as him assuming that i was an idiot young girl. you know the kind, who think that the E on their gas gauge stands for Effort or are too flighty to notice the word "diesel" as they are absentmindedly putting gas in their car. of course popping gum as they pump. because we gals can't do two things at once, you know.

"no, it just died on me. and it's not the first time!" i replied, trying to mask the shrillness of my tone.

"oh i was just wondering because i was just telling my wife that subarus never break down," he said in a surprised yet cheery tone.

i inwardly rolled my eyes, muttered the gremlin's name in vain under my breath, and hopped into their warm car. they were so kind to drive me all the way down to my work in salt lake. and that wretched little car sat under 2 feet of snow.

that was IT for me. i refused to drive it anymore, and endured the other "gems" my dad found "fabulous deals" on from the side of the road. i didn't care, i had signed the papers and the gremlin and i were officially divorced.

so how does this apply?

well.

once i dusted off my feet on the mats of that coche, it was passed down to my more than willing little brother, tyler. he couldn't wait to get his hands on it.

however.

about a year into ben and i being married, tyler also wanted a divorce from the gremlin. and saw my husband as just the sucker to take the fall.

i clearly remember sitting in my parents' kitchen one weekend, while tyler pitched his sale to ben.

"i'll give it to you for five hundred bucks," tyler said.

"NONONONONO!" i protested. "that car will NOT come back to me! NO! i am putting my foot DOWN!" and probably stomped at that moment, to emphasize my passion on the subject.

10 minutes later, we were five hundred dollars poorer, and with continual promises from ben that i would never have to drive the gremlin, the title was passed over to us. truth? the thought to burn it crossed my mind.

he drove it back to rexburg and i followed behind him in our other car with a pit in my stomach.

but ben was in love. i don't know what it was about that dang car, but the fellas couldn't get enough of it. i actually had one friend tell me that if i ever wanted to sell it, to let him know. my response? "if it were my car, i would give you money to take if off my hands!"

anyway. ben happily drove it for, oh......

3 1/2 weeks? maybe 4? until it just stopped. would not go one. inch. further. so a good friend towed it to our driveway and there it sat for 2 months. until who decided to buy it off our hands????

my brother tyler.

for how much?

three hundred dollars.

i am not even kidding you. i really, really wish that i were.

he bought it back and sold it for parts. so within a month we not only lost $200, but ben pretty much lost his pride and core belief that he can make sound judgments when it comes to purchasing a car.

especially when there is a stomp from his wife involved.

however, i did my best not to gloat. i was just happy that the gremlin was now taken apart and shipped to new and separate homes and free from the bonds that had held me bound.

the gremlin. ugh. shiver.

coming up....

second car #2:

the night ben yelled at the top of his lungs,
"HOLY SHIZBALLS!"

don't worry, that story will be much shorter than this one.

she's a maniac.

2009-11-04T18:35:00.000-08:00

well, i wrote about them... the baby thigh high, kneecap protectors.
now check them out in pictures.

i said, "give me your crusty old lady face!" and this is what happened. i blame myself.

now she's crawling up because she felt the magnetic pull of the flash.
blast you, anti-red eye.
and watch out, there's a close up of her infamous double chin.

don't get too close, the chin might attack you,
channeling jabba the hut in "return of the jedi."
no one feels like wearing a gold bikini & being chained to that monstrosity do they?
didn't think so.

here i am trying to push her away from grabbing the camera. what a mean mom.
do you see the determined look on her face? well maybe you don't. but i do.

finally after another 5 minutes of this silent arguing,
she went back to minding her own business.

the end. literally.

bang bang, twinkle twinkle

2009-11-02T13:00:00.000-08:00

well we pretty much wore ourselves out for halloween.

the cowboy:

all day made us refer to him as caleb cowboy strader.

was absolutely in love with his "shooter" also known as his gun.
though we were strict parents and wouldn't let him aim it at his sister's head...
even though nothing was coming out of it.
it's just the thought, you know?

went to the trunk or treat and saw his cute friend, lion eve.

then went trick or treating with lovely kali, and studly kai.
he was amazingly hyper for a kid that hadn't had one ounce of candy all day.
we actually gave him a sucker when he started to wind down so that the sugar could help him walk back to kali's house instead of having me carry him.

irony.

the fairy:

struggled to keep up the fast pace she normally has even while in a tutu,
so opted for the stink bug crawl, bum in the air.

was fascinated with her wand.

attempted many times to eat her tutu, and luckily failed at all attempts.
didn't care much for trick or treating, but instead rode in the stroller like a champ.

after she tried to steal the cowboy's hat.

and he tried to poke her nose.

she still had glitter in her hair for church the next day, even though i washed her head and face 3 times. people thought it was on purpose but i assure you, it was not.

we have a few more years before she becomes hannah montana'ed, don't we?

hope your day was as fun as ours was!

a cowboy and a fairy.

2009-11-01T22:53:00.001-08:00

hope you all had a fun halloween!  more pictures to come...

who needs ben & jerry's?

2009-10-29T09:16:00.000-07:00

our own delicious chunky monkey.

(isn't that expression hilarious? she was blowing me a raspberry.)

this morning.

2009-10-28T09:53:00.000-07:00

this morning i woke up to the smell of the lovely scent of "kitchen spice" wafting through the air. bath and body works knows how to do fall scents, don't they? have you tried "leaves?" yumalicious.

this morning i overheard caleb singing, "if you like then you shoulda put a ring on it! woah a oh, oh a oh oh oh!" in his defense (and mine) this is a song i solely sing to leah when i'm feeding her peas and she's refusing to open her mouth. it makes her smile and plop! in go the peas.

this morning ben came in to the room with a confused look on his face. walking kind of funny. turns out he'd put on a pair of my jeans by mistake. i was grateful that not only were they my "too big" pair, but they were snug on him. this morning i insulted ben by saying i was grateful they were snug on him, because we were "quite a few pounds different." (i know that saying isn't really worded correctly but you get the idea.) so then he thought i was calling him fat. which is not at all true, i was trying to not call myself fat. and defended my grammatically un-correct statement by reminding him that i am about a foot shorter than him, and therefore should weigh "quite a few pounds different" from him.

this morning i insulted ben again because i also informed him that those jeans of mine were petite in length and that they didn't necessarily look like capris on him. that the length was quite fitting. this morning i attempted to make up for my slew of insults by letting him know that the gap lived up to their claim. that those jeans of mine did, in fact, make him look longer and leaner. "oh wow, thanks." was his sarcastic reply. hey, i tried didn't i?

this morning leah didn't yet fit into the pants i had bought for her, so instead she crawled around in her baby thigh-high leg warmers. there's something unsettling about the word thigh-highs when discussing my now 8 month old lassie, but she sure looks cute in them. they squeeze the chunk of her legs so that when when you get to her diaper there's about an inch of muffin top chub spilling out over the sides. plus we like to make her dance to "she's a maniac" when she wears them and put it on the video camera. so funny.

and as for me?

this morning i am enduring a hangover from fair food. to specify, that is food from the fair, which we went to yesterday. check out these fries! and it was my first real attempt at eating fried treats. i wasn't sure how the deep fried twinkies would be but to my amazement they were absolutely spectacular. but due to the calorie overload yesterday i will be re-thinking my malibu barbie halloween costume. i think i'll go as her frumpy mother instead.

this morning i am loving the fact that the high is only 70 degrees today and that we're busting out the long sleeved shirts and pants. blessed be cooler weather!

the halloween spirit

2009-10-25T20:53:00.001-07:00

tonight we carved a pumpkin and took some pictures. some of them turned out kind of spooky.

introducing, billy bob the jack o lantern (named by his big brother caleb)...

caleb's head on fire (showing off his demonic side)...

and caleb the ghost (whoooooooo)...

hope this is getting you in the mood for a freaky week.

bath time.

2009-10-13T21:00:00.001-07:00

warning:  you will see a cute baby bum in these pictures...watch out!

i don't know if there's anything that leah loves more than her night time bath. if she's in another room and hears the bath water go on, she squeals with delight and takes off crawling at warp speed to the bathroom.

and then....

it's S.P.L.A.S.H. time!

seriously, i have to put towels on the floor and make sure i'm wearing something akin to a wet suit because i get doused with her crazy splashing.

and after?

she loves crawling around in the buff
almost as much as she loves the bath.

that's pretty much our nightly routine.  hope you enjoyed it!

wrap up on reality life

2009-10-13T10:36:00.001-07:00

now that the show has wrapped up the final episode, i thought i'd share my thoughts on the past 8 months or so. in case you don't remember, this is how i looked when the show first started:

i remember sitting at the casting call, that my husband and sister had urged me to go to, feeling frumpy in my maternity sweater. it no doubt carried a stain on it, as did all of my maternity clothes by that time. i sat down next to a lovely lady wearing heels and gucci glasses carrying her portfolio (yes! i said portfolio!) with her. i felt

so. out. of. my. comfort zone.

as i drove home, i was proud of myself for giving it a go. this was not something i usually do, putting myself "out there" for pretty much anything. when i received an email to return for a 2nd interview, i was honestly shocked.

i sat around the table for the interview, surrounded by 8 beautiful and inspiring women. each had a story to tell. in the beginning they seemed so different from me, so hard to relate to. but as the hour went on we began to find common ground. not only that but i realized how much i genuinely liked each of them. i got so excited thinking about how much fun it was to meet them, and how it would be fun to watch any of them in the show.

i felt intimidated thinking about what in the world i could offer to them. the first 2 years of caleb's life were pretty much hell in motherhoodland. the seizures, the physical therapy, the specialists, the constant crying, the difficulty of it all. but since then i felt like we had worked ourselves into a pretty quiet routine. honestly? i felt like we were:

boring.

so when i received the phone call to participate in the show, i thought they had called the wrong pregnant girl. i felt nervous, intimidated, and completely insecure. but at the same time i felt extremely flattered and excited.

we started shooting about 5 weeks before i was due. i immediately felt comfortable with the group of people i met working on the show. they were so nice and patient with me. i have a tendency to ramble on when i'm nervous. and most of the time forgot the question i was asked. :)

5 days after the photo shoot for the show, this happened:

one of the 3 most important things in my life. leah was born, and my world was yet again changed. before the birth, i was extremely nervous to have anyone with cameras around me. but as i watched the birth episode i was so glad that i had agreed to it.

i also got the chance to vent about my colicky baby, hopefully helping other moms with hard newborns to not feel so alone. it was a difficult time, and again i was grateful to have been able to have the chance to be on the show to realize that i survived it.

now miss leah is 7 months old. not only is she crawling, but she is standing up and cruising along our furniture. it is such a complete opposite situation from caleb, who couldn't walk until the day after he turned 2. she is so happy and into everything!

ben is now in his second year of his doctoral program, working very hard and pulling out fantastic grades while keeping up a crazy schedule. i could not have done the show without his support and encouragement. caleb is a fun and healthy 4 year old who is a good big brother to leah and has an infectious love of life.

the Real Mom's Guide show has been such a fun experience and i have seen myself grow from it. i've learned to be less hard on myself, less critical of how i look, and more forgiving of my imperfections on the outside as well as on the inside.

i've loved getting to know dana, ida and vanessa. what amazing women they are! beautiful, fun, inspiring, funny, and REAL. it's been so much fun to get to know them and learn more about them. they have wonderful families and are amazing mothers.

a huge THANK YOU to Real Mom's Guide, to Mott's and to SheKnows! to all of the wonderful people i have been able to meet along the way (a special thanks to shay, i love ya!) it's been such a fantastic 8 months. and i can't wait to see season 2!

with love,
lynsey

proof that even bald babies can get bedhead.

2009-10-09T15:12:00.000-07:00

when she woke up with fluff everywhere i realized that i don't give her head enough credit.
i keep referring to her as bald and i guess she wanted to prove me wrong.

point taken!

Real Mom's Guide season finale!

2009-10-02T10:24:00.000-07:00

hi there,

so the final episode of Real Mom's Guide was posted and it was fun to look back at the moments through the last 8 months. it's weird to forget that i was pregnant when this first started and leah is now 7 months old. so much has changed, and it's not just the hair. :)

i had a fabulous time, and loved getting to know ida, dana and vanessa. not to mention the great film and production crew. they were all so nice and patient and kind. (specifically kind when they didn't put my tears on the finale...much appreciated!)

so go on the website and watch the last episode. vote for your favorite moment on the show, and if you haven't become part of the Real Mom's Guide network yet, join up! they have fabulous articles, giveaways, and it's a wonderful network to make new friends and connect with women that are all dealing with the same issues that you are.

click here for the final episode.

unintentional hiatus

2009-10-01T10:33:00.001-07:00

hi there. remember me? the one who usually has too much to say?

i've been gone. if you haven't noticed. not intentionally....just....not much to say. i've been around, reading blogs, checking out what facebook friends have been up to, trying my darndest to figure out the twitter obsession (which i have yet to figure out). i've just been more quiet about it. aren't you grateful for a little break?

but i feel a post coming on. woo hoo!

and a post with pictures? double woo hoo!

the girl and her hat

2009-09-19T13:29:00.000-07:00

we are not amused!

2009-09-10T18:16:00.001-07:00

well, apparently she was not. but we were.

half a year with leah layne

2009-09-04T16:52:00.000-07:00

one week ago marked miss leah's 6 month birthday.

i'd like to say that the entire 6 months of her life she has been pure joy. but i try my best not to blie. (which is a word i just made up. blog + lie= blie.) i have loved every minute with her, even the difficult ones, and i do have to say that pretty much the last 3 months with her has been pure joy. the first 3 were kinda rough.

she is a happy, content, wild, curious, snuggly and independent little lady. you're wondering how i can combine content + wild and snuggly + independent? well obviously you haven't met her.

she loves to hang out on the floor with her toys and burst into spontaneous little songs. she likes to lick things. and i mean ALL things. the carpet, my nose, on sunday it was the metal legs on the chairs at church. and in case you missed my facebook status, has already shocked herself by licking our computer charger. oops.

she has an obsession with her toes. i think she is very proud of them. i don't blame her for this, and must say i feel the same way about my own toes. and hers as a matter of fact.

she is my yoga instructor. right now she is in downward facing dog position as i'm typing this, and every now and then pops her head up to smile at me. i'm amazed that at such a young age she has already found her inner chi.

she just officially started crawling yesterday, though she has been scooching around for over a month now. but i consider the real day yesterday, when she started coming a few feet toward me at a time.

several people have said to me, "ohhhhh, she's going to keep you on your toes. watch out, once she starts moving, she's going to be a handful!"

and they are right.

but some have said this in a negative way and i must kindly disagree. yes caleb was easier to maintain in one spot while he played with a circle of toys surrounding him, but i would have traded that in a second to have a baby who was mobile, who didn't have to have over a year of physical therapy and braces, who could walk before they were two.

in a second!

so i guess this is the trade off. i got what i asked for.

and am soooooo completely happy about it.

i'm looking forward to having to baby proof everything early, to having to save her life from the latest common household item that she has turned into a weapon, to kissing her bumps and bruises that occur from crashing through every room like a bull in a china shop.

maybe when she's two i might rethink this posting. but for now, ben and i just adore watching her mind work, her wanting to touch everything we touch and grab everything in sight.

though you might be tired of the endless picture of our little brown-eyed girl that is just too bad for you. since we are cheap and personally, i like candid shots a whole lot better than the professional ones (i can pick when they are in a good mood, fresh diaper, and in our own environment), i decided to catch the lady in action.

this is what she looks like 90% of the day...

5% of the day... (staring intently at something on the ground, or her toes)

and the last 5% of the day...

she was really good for me until she remembered that she now knows how to get from one place to the other and was more excited to achieve the goal of attacking the camera head on.

mission accomplished.

2009-09-03T14:44:00.001-07:00

here's the latest real mom's guide episode about the busiest part of the day for us.

the next episode is the last one...and isn't supposed to air until october i think. (or so i was told) so i think they will probably show re-runs until then? not sure.

anyway, it has been fun experience and i have loved being a part of it.

watch the episode here.

capturing a moment.

2009-09-01T07:27:00.001-07:00

they talked like this for about 10 minutes.

and just like that, siblings were born.

making the most of the mUnDaNe

2009-08-28T05:48:00.001-07:00

i have been a little down.

and realize that this will be my 3rd negative sounding post in a row, so i apologize in advance. you think that would stop me from writing it, but oohhhhh no.

i will forge ahead.

because writing is my therapist, the free one that doesn't make me lay down on a couch and discuss my childhood. the one that just sits and listens as i vent and whine and complain about how things aren't going the way i had hoped, but doesn't say the words,

"you are such a baby!"

but instead, says nothing, and lets me figure out for myself that i am in fact, a total baby.

so.

this last semester of ben's school has been hard. he has pushed himself to the limit i think, working very hard at school (pulling out awesome grades, btw) and then working thurs-sun nights working overnight graveyard shifts. thinking about the schedule he has been pulling, i'm not quite sure how he's alive right now.

i'm grateful for how hard he is working, for the sacrifice he makes and the length he will go to make sure we are taken care of. i thank God every day that i have a husband who will do whatever it takes for me and for our children.

the semester has been difficult for me too though. i know, i know. comparatively, to ben, i should just keep my whining mouth shut. but just because he's had it harder doesn't make things much easier on me, you know?

we only have one car. again, boo hoo. at least we have one car. i know, i get it. but with only one car and ben gone so much for the past 3 months, we have been cooped up with a capital C. it's too hot to go outside without your face melting off, and the pool has been out because leah has been too young to wear sunscreen.

i've pulled out as many tricks out of my hat that i can think of. bringing caleb's tent out, letting him put a slide in our front room, buying new games, puzzles, crafts, you name it. and luckily it's kept him mostly happy.

so why am i so down?

well i guess, because i'm not so easily entertained by markers and a coloring book. i got out my paints again and tried to let the creative juices flow, but instead just sat there blankly staring. i read a book, and tried to avoid the t.v. for my birthday ben bought a treadmill so that i would be able to get the exercise i've been craving that i can't get because of the blaring sun outside.

however, because of the lack of space in our apartment, the treadmill had to go in our bedroom. where the baby sleeps. so you see the problem with that scenario.

so for my birthday present...before i knew ben was getting a treadmill, i asked to go away for a weekend. to get to cooler weather, and just be....

me.

whoever that person is. i haven't seen her in a while.

you saw how well that weekend panned out. i had desperately needed a break from my life and instead had returned disappointed.

but i tried to buck up, knowing that just a few days away from what i have now titled "standby nightmare 2009," i would be able to head out to utah. where even though i'd be traveling alone with my kids, i would be welcomed by cooler weather with open arms. and would be able to go outside, visit family and friends, get some much needed fresh air, and relax.

two days before i left, i began feeling sick. an insanely painful headache and sore throat. i tried to get rest, but was on my own doing laundry, packing, cleaning, and all that goes with planning an almost 3 weeks away vacation, and flying alone with two kids.

luckily, we made it through. even though on the plane ride there i thought my nose would explode due to the combination of clogged sinuses and altitude.

as we arrive in utah i am still not feeling well, but push through it so that we can make the most of our time there and spend quality time with family and friends. i'm not sleeping well at night because i can't breathe when i lay down, and am sharing a room with my two kids so i have to smother my face into a pillow each time i cough up a lung so that i don't wake them up.

whatever, i deal with it.

then leah starts acting a little weird. not eating, runny nose. you know. there's a family party up at ben's house with people in town that i haven't seen and won't see for a long time, so even though i absolutely despise being the family that shows up with sick kids...we still go. (although, i want you to know that i did call ahead of time to let them know and ask if they still wanted us to come because i was fully prepared to stay home.)

the next day, leah starts throwing up. after the 3rd time, she just stops eating.

that night at dinner, caleb throws up.

i just can't believe my good luck!

we spend the next 3 days inside. me doing laundry non-stop, running up and down stairs, trying to not focus on the fact that i am playing the role of single parent yet again...which is pretty much how i've felt for the past 6 months. (did i fail to mention that ben wasn't in town yet? this was his finals week so he was coming out a week after us...just after the kids get all better. nice.)

and this is when i have to admit--i got a little ticked off.

i mean, seriously! every time we come to utah we get some sort of violent illness. last time caleb was throwing up every 20 minutes for about 7 hours.

so i'm sitting downstairs after both kids are finally asleep, feeling sorry for myself and wondering when i can get my identity back. i mean, i love being a mom, but sometimes i feel like

is this all there is for me?

and then i had a thought. i was glad it came at this moment because it stopped me from crying big baby tears about how i've lost myself amid vomit clothes, only having one car, being stuck inside for pretty much the last 4 months, and now being sick on vacation.

and my thought was,

the smallest, most mundane things
will be the most important for them.

i think sometimes i get stuck on the fact that we don't get to do all of these fun, fancy vacations. that i haven't had the opportunity to put caleb in swim lessons, or tumbling class, or soccer, or t-ball, like other families due to ben's crazy schedule and (again) only having one car.

i know that time will come, and am anxiously awaiting it, but right now just isn't that time.

so what are my kids going to remember about these past few months?

that i have been there.

day in, day out. through nightmares, poopy diapers, throwing up, tantrums, colic, constipation. you name it, we've probably experienced it.

as hard as it's been on my psyche to be cooped up and feel like the walls of our apartment are closing in faster than caleb can say, "i think i'm going to frow up," i am building a foundation for my children. something tangible, that they can count on. yes it's difficult when i feel like this is all i have been consumed with, but i'm grateful that i had this thought to remind me of what i am doing it for.

because i feel like that is the true meaning of unconditional love. being there through it all even when it's gross and makes you gag, or want to scream back at your toddler when he's screaming at you (even though you don't), or cry with the newborn who can't stop crying.

"through small and simple things are great things brought to pass..."

and the great thing that has been brought to pass these past 6 months?

my children. know. that i love them.

i think we can get caught up in all the things we aren't doing for them. or i guess i'll just speak for myself here. i think about that all of the time. how much easier it would be if we had money, or nice things, or more time, or live in a cooler climate, or had our own yard to play in.

but in the end, those things don't really matter most. sure, they can add to the experience. they can make things a little less stressful, or even just less boring.

i guess what i'm saying is that if all caleb remembers about being 4 years old is his love of macaroni and cheese or the tramillion stuffed animals he crammed in his tent every night to play "camp out," then i am satisfied. because i know that i have been with him through these things and have provided safety, stability and love.

so if you're at all like me and feel at times like you've been swallowed up in mommyville with not a lot of light for coming out anytime soon, try to remember that the most important thing you can do for your kids is just be there. and love them.

and that will make those mundane things have purpose and meaning. which makes it easier for me to get up tomorrow and do it all over again.

episode 22: mommy expectations

2009-08-26T05:29:00.000-07:00

hi there,

new episode alert! the four of us talk about what surprised us about motherhood. whether it's losing your freedom, developing anxiety, lovely potty training and the curve balls that kids throw at us.

and as for us???

we have one more day left in utah. i'm so glad that we got through the utah virus with minimal damage, and have been able to actually enjoy ourselves for a bit.

i've taken a blogging hiatus and am wondering how i'll get back into the swing of things.

i guess we'll see, won't we?

not looking forward to leaving friends and family, or the lovely cool weather but have to say that i am looking forward to my own bed again. there's just something about 2 weeks living out of suitcases that does it to me...every time!

an update on leah--how she's doing now...

2009-08-11T07:05:00.001-07:00

i had several people ask me how leah is doing after her last trip to the ER, and how her breathing problems at night are, so i thought i'd write a quick update...

with the first trip to the ER for her waking up several times panicking and arching her back, we were told that the doctors wanted to order an EEG to make sure that it wasn't seizures. i really felt it was unnecessary, because i had already had a kid who has seizures, and this looked nothing like them. i know seizures can come in different shapes and sizes, but still. i watched her very closely each time she would do this and really, she just seemed like something was making her very uncomfortable.

while in the hospital i asked the doctor about the possibility of reflux. they said it definitely could be a possibility, and said they would have to schedule out a couple of weeks for a reflux test. since caleb was on reflux medicine, i knew that it is a very mild prescription that has little side effects, and also knew that within a couple of days i would be able to tell if that were the problem or not.

so i pushed to have them write a prescription, got it filled, and started her on it immediately.

within two days, she stopped waking up at night. there was no more panicky episodes, and she started taking longer naps in the day time.

i spoke with her pediatrician about this and said that i didn't feel like an EEG was necessary. he said that we should still do it, "just in case." luckily for me, the EEG couldn't be scheduled until a month away. i figured that would give me time to really watch her, and consider my options.

3 weeks later...

since the problem had clearly gone away, it was the day before the EEG and they had a 24 hour cancellation policy. i talked with ben about what our decision would be and how we both felt about it. i was grateful that we both felt the same way.

and picked up the phone to cancel the EEG.

so that's what we did, and i feel completely at peace about it.

like i said on the episode, if i had felt any reason to do the EEG, i would have definitely done it. there's no long-lasting effects from an EEG, it just makes for a long day and a lot of crying and discomfort on the one getting the test done. not to mention, after the little suctions with wires are glued to the baby's head and are then removed, they take hair with them! so more bald patches for little leah.

i'm totally kidding here, i wasn't worried about that at all.

anyway, she has been perfect since then. like i said, she sleeps better, longer, and is more content with this reflux medicine. reflux doesn't always mean spitting up (because she doesn't unless she is completely overstuffed) but can just mean that there is extra acidity in the baby's stomach that causes discomfort each time they eat.

so there you go!

she is 5 months old now and such a happy baby.

and we all know that

happy baby = happy mom!

episode 20: leah takes a spin in the ER...twice

2009-08-10T05:27:00.002-07:00

the new episode is up about when leah went to the hospital, the first time for breathing problems, and the second time for a fever.

you probably already read this posting that i wrote when i was going through these crazy two weeks, but just in case you missed it, click on the linky above.

and for the episode, click here.

life lessons in the airport

2009-08-10T05:27:00.001-07:00

i am in phoenix.

it is hot.

i am staring at my suitcase, that is still packed.

i am listening to my baby learn how to put herself back to sleep, even though i thought this lesson had already been learned. however, in the last less than 24 hours, she apparently got the impression that she no longer needed to do this.

i am tired.

and am bummed.

pause for a moment, while i go comfort the little lady...

i'm back.

(she is still crying, but now knows that i love her. isn't that why i do that? remind her she's not alone, that she can do this? that i believe in her? or does it just send her the message that i care, but not enough to pick her up, like she really wants me to? i go back and forth between this.)

anyway.

in an attempt for this to not become a whining-like-a-spoiled-brat posting, i will summarize:

--months ago, our friend dave (who works for southwest) mailed me some stand-by tickets, with a note to encourage me to go have some fun, whether it was with ben and the kids, or just on my own. i was elated!
--ben & i work it all out, and i call my lovely friend and old roommate from college, lindsay, who lives in seattle, to see if i can visit her.

pause again...she's asleep! (well that didn't last too long. she does know i love her. yay.)

--ben takes off work, and i pack my bags.
--only to realize that flying stand-by is much more difficult than i thought it would be. that is, if you don't want to get stuck in an unfamiliar city with just a smile on your face and the lastest trashy magazine in your hand. which i didn't.
--i left last night, didn't get on the first flight to seattle, but was able to get to salt lake and told that i would "certainly" get on the flight in the morning. (thanks to my dad who picked me up at 1am)
--got about 3 hours of sleep, only to call and be told that the morning flights were full, and to try the next one.
--arrive at the airport ready to roll. only to not get on the next flight and told that i could go to boise instead? no thank you. boise is nice, but lindsay doesn't live there. and at this point, i know i'm going to have to fly back on sunday and hope to get on flights back to AZ.
--i asked when the next flight to phoenix was and was told that there was one boarding immediately. so with slumping shoulders, and dragging my trashy magazine (okay, truth? by this time, i had 3 magazines. that jon gosselin is SUCH a DB.) with me, i flew back.

when i called ben to ask him to pick me back up, his cheery and upbeat voice on the other end said,

"well, think of it this way...you got a night away from the kids!"

and even though i know he said that with the intention of it making me feel better,

it didn't.

so now, i will attempt to pull myself out of my being bummed-ness, and talk about the airport. it's a fantastic place to people watch, which i love to do. it's also a great place to realize many important things, such as:

#1--if you pack only two pairs of shoes, one for exercising and the other for wearing to church and looking less height-deficient, don't be a botard and wear the church shoes around the airport.

my SIL carrie is under the impression that you "dress up" for the airport? shows just how much she knows. i realize now that if i were people watching myself, i would think,

who is that stupid girl wearing high heeled sandals looking frustrated and in pain?

lesson learned.

#2--if you decide to sit down an eat a salad and read one of your magazines, and a man with a wedding ring on his finger in a business suit makes eye contact with you, don't acknowledge him.

because it will spark a conversation that will end in his request to pay for a hotel room for you, if you don't make the flight connection.

lesson learned.

#3--buy earplugs.

because not only do you know that you don't like to hear your own kids whining and screaming during an entire flight, but you like to hear others' kids even less. either that or, pack toys for other peoples' children. seriously, what is the mom thinking? let's just hope that by letting your kids stare out the window at the endless row of clouds, they will continue to be entertained?

i've traveled with kids...and am about to do so again in 4 days. i know that it's difficult and they can just be rotten no matter what you do. but i watched 2 moms with absolutely nothing to entertain their children except the vomit bags and the sounds of themselves screaming. that's when i get a little bugged.

lesson learned.

#4--why oh why is the 80's coming back?? haven't we learned anything?? why did i see a 40 something woman sporting black stirrup pants, gold flat shoes and jelly bracelets? this is human cruelty in its truest form. so the lesson for this is, don't go back to the 80's!

lesson learned.

#5--just because you are a couple, and in love, and we're on an airplane where you think it's private enough to make out during the entire flight, you're wrong.

your lip smacking, incessant giggling and ooh's and ahh's are now neck and neck with the screaming children in the race for the worst noises possible on an airplane. 2nd runner up? hearing the pilot say to you, "well, we're just going to sit here for a bit and see if this weather clears up."

and you realize that you're in for 45 minutes more of enduring the torturous noises.

lesson learned.

#6--now sit up and pay attention here, because this is the most important lesson of them all:

never, ever plan a weekend getaway on stand-by tickets.

because you'll probably spend two days in airports like me, and then just end up coming home (in a very sarcastic mood, if you couldn't tell). either that, or if you decide to chance it, make a pit stop to the ATM first. because you're going to have to bring a wad of cash with you to throw at someone in a desperate attempt to get them to give you their seat.

she's got the moves

2009-08-03T10:03:00.001-07:00

a couple of days ago i set leah on her little play mat. about 10 minutes later, i walked back into the room and couldn't see her, but could hear her. this is where she ended up:

i still can't figure out how she did it. she just turned 5 months on the 27th...we're in for some trouble once she really learns how to crawl.

adventures in roughin' it

2009-08-01T13:44:00.000-07:00

today is ben's birthday.

he is 30 and has turned into a mature, old man overnight. or that is what he tells himself.

the truth is, he will always be a boy at heart and i love that about him. he will always be excited to give people presents, anticipate vacations, make birthdays special. he will always be the first adult male on the floor with a bunch of kids, making up games and encouraging them to use their imagination.

and no matter how old he gets, he will always be the boy who i fell in love with 7 years ago, and the man who i am still in love with today. sigh.

that being said, i agreed to do something for his birthday that i normally wouldn't do:

camping. (cue scary music)

now i don't dislike camping because i'm a primadonna and can't stand to get dirty. i think it's healthy to get a little dirty, go a day without showering, and have your husband tell you that you smell like sweat and dirt.

but there are two things that have a tendency to provoke an anxiety attack just from mentioning the word "camping."

1) bugs. i hate them with a passion so deep inside my soul that it sometimes astounds me.

2) my overactive imagination. i have heard too many scary camping stories, seen too many scary movies, and was born into this world on july 22nd with the ability to scare myself to the point that i can become paralyzed with fear.

that being said.

when our friends called and invited us to celebrate jardan's birthday, i fully intended to turn them down kindly but made the mistake of looking into ben's hope-filled brown eyes. and all he had to say was one word.

"please?"

blast it all. so i conceded, and we packed up to go.

luckily our fantastic friends had a camper so at least we weren't going to just be sleeping in tents. shudder. my mind can conjure up some pretty intense things when i'm sleeping in a tent. and instead of getting rest, all i can think of all night is, "there is only a scrap of material between you and..." whatever it is i am most afraid of at the moment.

but i decided that ben would only turn 30 once, and so therefore i would only have to go camping one last time in my life. this is the lie i told myself in order to get in the car.

the ride was great, i got to stare at this little mug the whole way.

the minute we arrived at the camp site, i coated myself in bug spray. one fear down, one to go.

so we got all set up and after the kids finally went to bed, roasted s'mores and as visions of charcoaled marshmallows and chocolate danced in our heads we got ready to settle in for a long summer night's nap.

unfortunately, right before we got in the camper, we took a potty break. and as our friends were out and about tending to their business, they heard a noise. something was right next to them, creeping through the trees. and it wasn't human. aubrey took off running, and as she relayed the story to me, my imagination started spinning.

what could it be? a bear that's going to eat my brain out of the back of my head? a bobcat who likes to munch on chubby babies? or worse...what if it was something that my mind couldn't come up with?

i reminded myself that there wasn't just a scrap of material between my flesh and the great unknown...i was in a camper! that's right! totally safe! i closed my eyes in comfort.

somehow we came up with the idea that it would be fun for caleb and his little 2 1/2 year old friend eve to share a bed. just below them was myself, leah and ben. on the other side of the camper was aubrey and jardan.

well surprisingly enough, there is a place in arizona that does get cold at night. a miracle! but unfortunately, eve woke up cold. and upset. twice. each time i had to sit up and move out of the way so that her parents could comfort her. then leah woke up. ben continued snoring like a bear. the third time that eve woke up, the sun was rising and i decided to give up hope that i was going to get any rest at all.

jardan was nice enough to offer to take leah outside of the camper with eve so i could try to sleep, but 10 minutes later caleb woke up. that was it. i walked outside, greeted the morning with puffy eyes and a lovely bed head, and coated myself in bug spray.

when ben finally rolled out of the camper, i handed him the baby, said "goodnight," and walked back into the camper to fall asleep.

i don't know how long i was out, but i woke up laying next to leah without another person in sight. i assumed they had gone on a nature walk, which wouldn't have been a problem except...

i had to go to the bathroom. badly.

you know that feeling when your bladder actually hurts because there's too much fluid in it? well that was where i was at.

since i had leah and didn't want to leave her in the camper alone, i wasn't sure what to do. the portapotties weren't an option because they were seriously nasty...someone had decided to make artwork out of their bodily waste and spread it all over the walls. flies were everywhere. and since i am one who will only "hover" in public potties, i couldn't do that and hold onto the baby.

my only other option was to head out into the trees somewhere. but as i looked around, we were surrounded by other families camping. that, and again, i couldn't figure out the logistics of being able to hold onto leah and do my business.

so.

i waited. painfully.

to distract myself, i did a little photo shoot of miss leah. here's one:

doesn't she look happy? well of course she does. i had just changed her diaper and her bladder was empty.

20 minutes went by. then 30. i called their cell phones. no answer.

45.

finally i started getting nervous. i wasn't sure how long they would be gone and knew that a UTI was in my near future if i didn't get some relief.

outside the camper, i heard one of our neighbors talk to the lady in the camping spot next to us, who had 2 dogs with her and was in her mid 20's. she sounded nice enough. hmmmmm...

no. i couldn't.

as far as mothers go, i would consider myself one of the most over-protective, cautious ones i know. i get extremely angry when i hear of parents being negligent with their children and something happens to them.

i watched the neighbor lady.

just then, i realized she was packing up to leave.

then judged the distance from her to the portapotties. she was in plain sight, so the only time i would actually have to take my eyes off of my child would be the 30 seconds or so that i was answering nature's call. her dogs were still outside, tied to a tree. i knew that if she really loved her dogs, there is no way she would have time to shove my baby in the car and grab her dogs by the time i came running out. could she?

i had to make a snap decision. i said a little prayer in my heart, grabbed my baby and walked over to her.

"hi." i said.

"oh, hey there." she answered back.

i just blurted it out, quickly.
"um,iwouldneverdothisexceptireallyneedtogotothebathroomandit'sanemergencyandisthereanywayyouwouldholdmybaby? and you're not crazy are you?" my voice squeaked a little with the word crazy.

"oh, sure. that's fine. no, i'm not crazy." she said with a little laugh.

yeah, that's what the crazy people say, i thought in my head. but knew there was no going back.

"hernameisleahandshe'sagirl," i rambled again. not quite sure why i had to specify that, but it seemed important at the time. i handed her over, took one last glimpse at my chubby gal and took off in a sprint. i'm sure at this point, the stranger was thinking about how crazy i was, but whatever, i had more important business to tend to.

i was in an out in a flash, and even though i could see returning from the porta potty that leah was safe and sound, sprinted back. i thanked the kind lady, thanked God in my heart, and went back into the camper. a few minutes later, the good samaritan left the campsite.

5 minutes after that, the rest of my crew returned. i told them that leah had almost been kidnapped (just kidding). and ben said to me,

"well the reason we came back was because while we were out on our hike, we saw you running back and forth fromt he porta potty and thought something might be wrong."

apparently they saw the flash of my blonde hair and black shirt and decided to head back. nice to know that they were close enough to see me and that i probably could have screamed out ben's name so that he could relieve me so i could go to the bathroom, but whatever. it was over, i risked my child's life in order to save my bladder's and all was well.

after that, we ate lunch and packed up. then we went to slide rock, which was a beautiful area that you could swim and go down natural water slides. the water was ice cold and felt fabulous.

i got in, cooled off, and then hung out with leah while the rest of the group went down the slides. for a long time, she did this:

then she finally woke up and i sat in the water and dipped her toes in. doesn't she look like little bo peep in this hat? cute, but a bit ruffly. ah well.

when everybody came back, both toddlers had had enough and were starting to decompose, so we decided to head back home. after an icecream break.

leah decided to sleep for the first 1/2 hour of the ride, then wake up and torture everybody with her dislike for her carseat. and by "everybody," i meant me. amazingly enough, even through her screams, the row of people in front of me looked like this:

we finally made it home, and all in one piece! and to think, it was barely 24 hours from the time we had left. it was fun and exhausting all in one day. really though, the company was great and none of us were eaten by anything. not even one bug bite!

a birthday miracle.

when it was all over, ben had the guts to ask me,

"soooo. if we had a camper like that, would you come camping with me?"

"sure," i answer warily.

"so like, 6 or 7 times a summer?"

"try 3 times a year. max." and he accepted it.

the thing is, even though it's fun, camping is a lot of work. and really, i just like my bed. with it's four walls and a door. and most importantly, the working powder room nearby.

but for the chance to spend time with friends, my family, and enjoy nature for a night or two?

yep, i'd do it again.

happy 30th, bennigans. i love you.

think she's sleeping?

2009-07-27T13:51:00.001-07:00

so did i.

think again.

(of course, as soon as she saw me, it started crying fest 2009. awesome.)

hold your breath...wait for it...

2009-07-23T14:05:00.000-07:00

this morning, for breakfast, i had a bowl (well--truth? it was 3/4 of a bowl, but still) of this:

i actually crossed off a new year's resolution for 2009! i haven't set new year's goals for many years because i think they are crap. why do i need to wait for the new year to come around to set a goal?

but this year, i changed. and here i am, almost 9 months in.

check!
(that's me crossing it off my list)

but aside from accomplishing it, here is my opinion of it. i will interview myself.

ahem. is this mike on? testing. okay.

q: so....did you like it?

a: about the first 3 or 4 bites weren't bad. but then, it got a little gooshy. which was my whole reason for not liking oatmeal in the first place. i am a texture lady, and don't do 'goosh.' (which also included in the 'goosh' department is: guacamole, any type of bean...except green...bananas that are too ripe, soggy bread--the biscuits 'n' gravy type-, the list could continue, but i will not.)

q: who witnessed the event?

a: my supportive husband, ben, who made me the bowl, and my two children. leah, who wasn't too concerned about the whole ordeal (she was preoccupied with her toes at the time--but who can blame her? those are some cute piggies) and caleb, who was equally grossed out (seeing that he has inherited the texture sensitive gene and used to throw up his own bowls of oatmeal as a wee one). however, i did end up having to move around a bit because as i surpassed the 4th bite, my 'goosh' radar went off and i started making some unpleasant faces. this doesn't help my goal for 2012 to get caleb to eat a bowl of his own oatmeal.

q: previous to this morning, when was the last time you consumed a bowl of oatmeal?

a: i think it was somewhere around the age of 12. maybe 14. but "consumed" is a word that would have to be used somewhat loosely. because i was a tricky tween. i used to just lie and say that i had finished the bowl, then quickly dump it down the drain and turn on the disposal when my mother wasn't looking. she caught on to that in about a day.

so my next tactic, i must say, was ingenious. i used to pour myself an enormous glass of milk, and would take small sips as i would pretend to eat my oatmeal. but when others weren't looking, i would drop the spoonful of oatmeal into the cup of milk. by the end of the meal, i would have eaten probably 1/4 of the bowl, and the rest would be smushed into the cup of milk. and then i would dump the milk down the drain.

q: wow. you are very clever.

a: is that a question?

q: no. but do you have anything to say for yourself, or to your mother (who was only trying to give you a good square meal for pete's sake)?

a: yes. i apologize mom, for deceiving you. it was gooshy, and i was weak. please forgive me.

q: so when is the next time you plan on eating another bowl?

a: well, if i don't need witnesses this time, then probably in 2012, when i eat another heaping bowl with a fake smile in order to get my son on board. if i do need witnesses to attest to the fact that i ate it again, then how about tomorrow? just as long as i can have a big glass of milk to go with it. i get thirsty, you know. ;)

***below i am re-posting the actual blog about setting this as a resolution for 2009. just in case you missed it.

***re-posting from 12/8/08

2009-07-23T13:30:00.000-07:00

i don't know who i am anymore.

today, not only did i enjoy my cereal, i actually drank milk from my bowl after the cereal was gone.

i am not a breakfast person. but i've been trying to become one because i'd like to be healthier. normally i eat a yogurt or toast for breakfast. not bad, but not great.

so i began the weaning process with this....

(about as non-healthy as you can get for cereal)

and quickly learned the error of my ways. there is still a half a box up in my cupboard of this sugary stuff.

and am now up to this...

(getting better, but every bite has to have a raisin or else i get ticked)

and am slowly (but surely) working my way up to this...

(still makes me dry heave when i even look at the picture)

this is a lofty goal. anyone who knows me well knows that i have had an aversion to oatmeal since i was a wee lass. my poor mother endured many a rough morning dealing with a stubborn, refusing child.

cross your fingers that i can get to the new me. 2009. a year should be enough time, right?

the boy.

2009-07-21T22:41:00.000-07:00

here we have

the boy with a bowl on his head.

the boy doing putting his laundry away.

the boy hanging out with his sister (who looks like she has a bigger head than he does) in his tent.

and the boy in a box.

we love this boy.

episode 17: mom guilt

2009-07-20T12:06:00.001-07:00

i really liked how this episode turned out...i feel like mom guilt is a huge, real thing that we deal with. like i said in the episode though, i don't believe it's a good thing unless we use it to motivate us to do better.

anyway, hope you enjoy it!

go here.

or, if you've missed episodes and want to get caught up, go here.

***keep in mind i was still at the hospital for this one and look like a really tired, worn-out version of myself!